Self Preservation


At certain times in a person's life they are left wondering if maybe for a moment, or even perhaps a couple days, they could live to be someone else. At the end of all days, man will search for a glimpse of themselves in the glory of yesterday. In this glimpse will we be certain that our life was spent in good relations, special friendships, and in the mist of love for friends and even strangers?

Many times I question some basic traits of myself, my image to those around me. What if maybe I take a few drinks, or perhaps smoke an occasional cancer stick... Extend my skin to a few ink markings to toughen me up... The mind is always thinking and I can't help but be brain-washed by Hollywood that women want the Wrangler Man. The spontaneous excite of being with a rebel.
I've been viewed as a clean boy, always trying to do right. Yet my heart has been broken at various points in my life by women seeking more of the Night Life and the rugged man. At these times I've looked close to my image and sought alterations that might make me stand out in a crowd. To no avail I am who I be, and be who I must with the constant glaring from tiny eyes that calls me daddy. My wife must love me for me since she has not completely left me standing alone for too much a time. It's her eyes that I wonder about the most. When we are out or within the crowd of tough guys will she still leave with me with no regrets? Our current night outs with friends consist of entirely different places. Sometimes my mind gets distracted and wonders if I should mold into these places for her....

But as I look around to those I grew up with and love deeply, I noticed I am the minority. "To keep my wits about me at all times" is just a common joke thrown in my direction. I feel that I am a solid boy that just wants to please everyone with love and kindness. Questions of "Am I good enough" enter many times...

Just out of curiosity, and to humor the mind, which would you choose.... The man sitting with a beer, five o'clock shadow, and a tough but loose grin or the man with a soda, clean shaving, and a shyish smile as your eyes might have crossed for a moment? Be honest.


Comments

LeeAnn | {froggyleggs} said…
I love you for who you are! I don't want you to change that about you. Its not about changing the way you are, its about respecting the choices that others want to make. Thats what they choose and as a friend we have to respect their choice.
July 24, 2008 at 1:26 PM
Anonymous said…
The lure of the so-called "rugged man" is perhaps not the fact that his face is unshaven and his arm tatooed, but the fact that he doesn't care about those things. A tatoo, a lazy razor, doesn't make a man.

"I can't believe that we would lie in our graves wondering if we had spent our living days well."

"...while you're dancing on the ground, don't think of life when you're gone."

"Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die."

I respect your choice to not drink. It was my choice for so long. Now I've made a different choice. Maybe it's weakness, maybe it's experimentation, but it's my coice. Who I am and who other people are is not so simple as a drink or a smoke, those are just so easy to judge. My father's an alocholic and a chain smoker, but he's a very good man. Love is accepting and overlooking those things and seeing to the person's core. Some of the parts my be bad, but the sum of the parts is good. This is not a lecture. I hope you think of it as a discussion. I would love for you and I to hash this out in a back and forth e-mail or something. You are my best friend and I value your opinion.
July 26, 2008 at 12:10 PM
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