One moment at a Time...

A Fond Farewell

2008-11-06T20:54:00.003-05:00

As much as I enjoy writing and expressing my thoughts, I have decided to close this blog for the time being. Not that a lot of folks read it anyway... So, in the best interest of those who I love and those who love me I'm putting the computer away. I'm working so much on these stinkin things all day that I don't want to spend any more of my day on them. I'm deciding to use my time looking at my loved ones instead of looking at a computer screen. So a fond farewell for now. Be good, be kind, and show your love to everyone who crosses your path. Who knows when your moment will end here. Love, love, love, and no matter the bumps in your day cherish what you have one moment at a time...

to be continued...

A strategy noticed...

2008-09-22T16:14:00.002-04:00

As a teacher I always try and stay engaged with my students. I know there are many different beliefs and strategies to teaching, and that's okay. We are all on the same team here. Anyway, personal goal for myself is to rarely sit at my desk... For any reason. I want to be moving around where my kids notice me and I'm close to the work. Well it's been about three weeks now and I was in a groove. I went to my desk to read as my kids were reading silently when one of my boys put up the signal to make a comment or question. "Mr. Howard, this is the first time I've seen you at your desk. Many of my past teachers sit at their desk a lot."
I didn't really reply other than a simple "oh, I didn't even notice I wasn't here at my desk often."

I went on with the day and was startled that my goal, so far, was noticed. We have a long year to go, but I'm off to a good start I guess.

A little Dave Matthews for you daddy from little man...

2008-09-17T21:37:00.002-04:00

"Daddy, you want me to sing a song for you? A Dave Matthews song? Here I go..." He strums the guitar and bellows... " What would you say? Don't bite the mail man... What would you say?" strum strum strum.... Luke is two, almost three... It seems we have a new Dave club member here. That's all I need to say as I was and still am speechless.

Always a comment....

2008-09-17T16:59:00.006-04:00

As I have transitioned into a new (old) vehicle this year I have noticed that I'm still receiving many comments about the vehicle I drive. It goes with that stereo-type phrase, "the car don't make the man..." or does it? I have found this all funny and humbling. Believe I would love to have a sweet ride... But money talks here in materialized America and I still haven't figured out how to get that blasted money tree to grow. I would get real nice comments from everyone when I drove that Mini, and now I get many comments about the Beast (the neon) too. It's funny how the car changes the image. People look at me funny when I get out with a tie on for work. It's like they want me to get something else. I laugh, she still gets me around 30 miles to a gallon. One day Beautiful will have to come and pick me up from the side of the road, but until then the Beast lives...
Here is a little Howard car history for you...

89 Chevy Cavalier- 1st car... drove it for 3 years until I was a senior in high school
91 Chevy Beretta- I loved this car... I had this from a senior in highschool until I was 1 year removed from college.
2005 Mini Cooper- My first and last leased car... I planned to buy it but near the end of the lease I was sick of the car and ready to let it go... Waste of money, but I had a lot of fun driving that thing... AND NO TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1997 Dodge Neon - It is alive!!!!!!! originally Beautiful's new car.... 9 years ago, but now my new car. It has a good engine (after we replaced the one beautiful blew up...) it's just the body is blmmmmph. This is the good side....

1969 Dodge Charger- My dream car before my eyes and in my hands (thanks beautiful for allowing me to get Rusty)... I grew up loving the General Lee, and now I have a chance kind of to revisit a part of my childhood... My dad and I are re-building this one together, which makes it even more special. And now Luke identifies it as the General so the circle keeps going... one day I'll hear that engine growl!!!!!!!!!!!

My next vehicle will be a truck so I won't have to ask someone to help me haul crap and get things from Menards. One day......

Back to the lecture at hand....

2008-09-03T18:45:00.002-04:00

Excitement filled my body as I headed back to the classroom this week. Gone are the days of summer and they will be missed. I had a great summer spending many moments with those people I hold dear to my heart, but work maintains my purpose on this Earth, and it won't hurt getting paid again consistently with a contract as support.
I have many high expectations this year for my students and myself. I've introduced a recycling center in my room so the kids can see how easy it is and how they can do this at home. I've all ready built up a half of container of plastics and it's only the second day. The paper bin is not far behind either. It feels good doing something like this knowing we can make a difference. Shoot I wouldn't even have done it if it hadn't been for my beautiful wife pushing me to go green.
(Not "go green" like the Spartans, that would be the ultimate sin in this house!!!!!!!!!)
With school back in I know my time between my wife and son will now start to dwindle a little more, but we are pretty creative with her thirds ( that I hate... have I mentioned that before) and making our time precious.

I'm looking forward to continuing this job that I love so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lyrics and music

2008-08-14T08:38:00.005-04:00

Switching on the radio or sliding a cd into your player is a common action with many many people. Music can reach all levels with the rhythm, tone, or it's words. For me music is lyrical as well as rhythm. When I hear a song for the first time I really pay attention to the lyrics. It seems at times many people look past the lyrics for the beats or basic sound of the song. I enjoy this as well, but in the end I want the lyrics to decide if I like the song or not.

Give me a well written love song or one with deep feeeling, mixed with piano or acoustic guitar and I'll be transfixed on that feeling being portrayed. And you don't have to simply spell it out or say, "I love you because I love you" sort of thing. I like to hear similies or mini phrases to create the feeling; "I remember thinking, sometimes we walk, sometimes we runaway. But no matter how fast we are running.. somehow we keep somehow we keep up with each other..." -dmb I'll Back You Up.

We have many excellent song-writers. Many of which we probably have not heard too much of on the radio. Yet some of us can listen to the unknown by way of tape/cd trading or downloading... Anyway songs have a way of taking us away or acting as theorpy to your brain's hidden emotions. Simply put, we need music in some way.

A song with a good beat will entertain you for a phase and then simply die out other than the fact of it's beat showing up 20 years later. But a song with great lyrics will keep you coming back everyday. For me it's dave matthews... The lyrics in his songs creates feelings and is like poetry with musical support. I often question why I have to listen to him practically everyday, I thought I was crazy or brain washed. The words and angles he uses are just beautiful, and cool-sounding I guess for the younger folk.

One of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard is Dave Matthew's song Sister. He tells the background of the song; "My sister and I.. when we were little, we thought maybe, what happened was when she was born, God... whatever it is, took HER heart and put it inside MY chest, and took MY heart and put it inside of HERS... Just an idea of why it hurts so much sometimes."

Try to listen to the lyrics to your favorite song next time, some of you might be surprised what they are actually saying...

What are some of your favorite songs?

An image "Beauty"

2008-07-25T10:43:00.006-04:00

I love taking photos of moments. I actually had an image like this in my head and tried to take a few months prior but never liked how they turned out. I think I really like this one and the feelings it creates. Beauty in every shape and form... A child in loving arms with his mother. The two exchanging love and comfort without words while the world's beauty lies in the background.

Don't be surprised if this becomes my blog for a bit>>>>

Wreck at the course "flashback"

2008-07-25T09:19:00.008-04:00

An afternoon call to hit the links is a call I look forward to and can never get enough of. On this particular day my buddy, we'll call him Mike for identity purposes, called to hit Green Valley, a local course, with another friend, Zach.

Pulling into the parking lot I noticed I was the first to arrive on this day. Getting my shoes tied and picking the right ball to use was interrupted by Zach scorching down the drive. Halting to the spot on my left he gave the ol "What's up man" and I continued to get ready. We both finished up and headed to the clubhouse to pay our fees when the employee asks, "Walking or riding?" Personally I will walk about 95% of the time if I could, but on this day knowing we had three and Mike likes to ride, we paid for the extra cart.

Turning the key and steering my way back to pick up my clubs, we finally see Mike pulling in. He steps out and says, "I wanted to walk today." Nothing we could do now with our money all ready headed towards the bank by now, we waited for him to come back. Mike was driving alone today.

The carts were juiced up on this day we noticed. The wind was coming a little faster. We'd run them hard as well like a rented car with full insurance. I think we mentioned how fast they were atleast 5 times.

On the 6th hole there is a slight bend before the tee. Mike sped off and left us lagging behind. He jammed the brakes and spun sideways blocking our path. Looking over at Zach I knew we were not stopping for his slight devilish grin had all ready decided. Mike stood up on the side of his cart (passenger side) and knew as well I think. As the cart collided with Mike's, Mike jumped off the back stumbling for balance. Laughter filled the air, except Mike was slightly shaken.

Green Valley is a course filled with trees and stumps all around. Drive responsibly is the theme when playing this course. Important for the next paragraph.

Finishing the 8th hole with a par I resided back to the cart as the other two tried to finish their putts. Mike grabbed his ball and ran for the cart. Dukes of Hazzard style he jumped in and sped off around our cart. His evil laugh as he went by was nothing compared to the terrorized scream that followed as he hit a stump. It slid his cart side-ways and directed him to a tree. My mind was in awe, and thinking take your foot off the pedal, Mike continued his path at full speed. The impact was sensational. Mike launched forward. The tree stopped him for exiting the cart. (His head hit first, shoulders crumpled after, and then his arms flailed) He did not fall to the ground. He stayed on his feet!!!! I was paralyzed with laughter in my cart. I truly thought I was going to pee, and maybe even did a little...
Zach was in shock he said on the green ( I wouldn't have known for my paraylzed state. Zach said the only reason he saw it was he heard this scream that made him turn around). There was a gentleman on another hole that heard the crash and came over to see if Mike was okay. This guy was about 200 yards away!!!!!!!!!!!! Mike collected himself and got back on the horse. We noticed right away the cart wasn't the same. Mike could no longer turn left the same.

Needless to say Mike didn't finish the final hole. He putted up to the clubhouse and went into tell of his accident. The people were already waiting for him as the story had already gotten back.
$165 and an accident report, Mike would forever be hailed as the driver at Green Valley. As soon as he got back to the car with us he simply said, " I didn't even want to rent a cart today."

Mike is doing fine today and has learned not to drive too fast. He suffered a concussion and a hit to his ego on the course. We still love him though.

Footprints

2008-07-25T09:07:00.000-04:00

Pulling up to the beach front of Lake Michigan you are taken away by the beauty that this lake presents as it's waves roll atop of the sand. Hundreds and hundreds of people spread over the sand with smiles and laughter amist the crashing waves. Gathering our belongings we headed for an open area where Luke could chase the birds and Beautiful could collect the rays.

Entering the water with Little Man I noticed a blurry object swimming the water. Knowing sea jellies wouldn't choose Lake Michigan as a home I cast my hand in the cool waters to Earth the object. It seems as though someone had fogotten to throw their sandwich bag away OR the bag was stolen away in a gust of wind. Now it rests in my hands filled with water. I placed it on the shore where I would dispose of this later. Re-entering the water I see that the bag may have been traveling with a friend... a plastic cup. The cup was a bit more wily as I couldn't grab it quick enough before it was lost beneath the surface.

In between enjoying the water and chasing after Luke through the sand I collected a few items that were lost in the water. I didn't go searching for these things, but merely as something brushed my leg or fell into my view I removed them.

As Luke's eyes were becoming heavy we packed up and headed for the car. I gathered the waste I removed from the Lake's waters and placed them into the trash bin near the parking lot. Unable to contain my mind I wondered how much more was out there. The hundreds of people scattered around the Michigan sands on that day could help keep our waters pure if they could take 15 miuntes and remove something in the waters or sand that shouldn't be there.

The people of this Earth have the mentality to think "Someone else will get it OR someone else gets paid to clean it." I practiced that same thought for my first half an hour on the beach that day. I don't leave anyhting whenever I visist the beach but maybe a splash of urine from the boy and myself in the water (it's water, it's cold, and the bathroom was atleast 500 yards away people) On this day I chose only to leave my footprints.

Self Preservation

2008-07-24T11:08:00.004-04:00

At certain times in a person's life they are left wondering if maybe for a moment, or even perhaps a couple days, they could live to be someone else. At the end of all days, man will search for a glimpse of themselves in the glory of yesterday. In this glimpse will we be certain that our life was spent in good relations, special friendships, and in the mist of love for friends and even strangers?

Many times I question some basic traits of myself, my image to those around me. What if maybe I take a few drinks, or perhaps smoke an occasional cancer stick... Extend my skin to a few ink markings to toughen me up... The mind is always thinking and I can't help but be brain-washed by Hollywood that women want the Wrangler Man. The spontaneous excite of being with a rebel.

I've been viewed as a clean boy, always trying to do right. Yet my heart has been broken at various points in my life by women seeking more of the Night Life and the rugged man. At these times I've looked close to my image and sought alterations that might make me stand out in a crowd. To no avail I am who I be, and be who I must with the constant glaring from tiny eyes that calls me daddy. My wife must love me for me since she has not completely left me standing alone for too much a time. It's her eyes that I wonder about the most. When we are out or within the crowd of tough guys will she still leave with me with no regrets? Our current night outs with friends consist of entirely different places. Sometimes my mind gets distracted and wonders if I should mold into these places for her....

But as I look around to those I grew up with and love deeply, I noticed I am the minority. "To keep my wits about me at all times" is just a common joke thrown in my direction. I feel that I am a solid boy that just wants to please everyone with love and kindness. Questions of "Am I good enough" enter many times...

Just out of curiosity, and to humor the mind, which would you choose.... The man sitting with a beer, five o'clock shadow, and a tough but loose grin or the man with a soda, clean shaving, and a shyish smile as your eyes might have crossed for a moment? Be honest.

Living, Loving, Learning

2008-07-22T08:18:00.005-04:00

As the summer rolls by and time elapses ever so quickly, my summer has been abundantly full of the pleasures and frustrations that life attracts. The sweet joys that is collected spending moments with my wife and my son are irreplaceable. My heart's cup is overflowing with love. I watch them often just interacting or reading a book and can't help feeling as though I want to cry with the blessings that my life has seen. Not a moment do I take for granted having these people in my life...

Avoiding the computer as much as possible this summer (only to be tempted during my summer classes filling boredom in the passing hours like now) I've caught more of the sun's rays than years past. My good buddy Rob had come through town to hit the links with me (that's golf for the confused). Well he came home to visit family and friends but we both know golf was high on the list too!!!

The rest of my summer has been filled with travel, travel, and more travel. The quick adventure down to Virginia Beach with Beautiful was very exciting. If I had one word to describe it I would throw LOVE out there for you. Beautiful might use another word though... BURNT.. Shoot, I even enjoyed the ride home (12 hours and counting). I love driving, but when I can drive and enjoy the scenery (*wink* thats for you honey/ hehehe) that God gave for 12 straight hours... Nuff said there.

A couple weeks later the three of us (Luke, LeeAnn, and Me) drove to South Carolina with a quick but expensive stop to Gatlinburg. The Dukes car, a ride up a mountain, and shrimp at Bubba Gump Shrimp was a nice compliment to a long trip with Little Man. The fun part was we were still potty training him so Luke was marking his territory from Michigan to South Carolina!!!!! Relaxation was key for this trip, but we filled it with the zoo, museum, and a baseball game. We didn't have enough time and can't wait to go back next year.

MICHIGAN'S ADVENTURE---- The yearly tradition continued with Luke getting in contact with his sense of fear. Last year he rode a bunch of rides, the fire-truck was among his favorites. This year we couldn't get him close to it. "DON'T WANT TO!!!!!" I tried placing him in the truck and had the seat belt on him when he went Sybil on me. I'd like to talk to the designer of the seat belt because he climbed right out of that thing in seconds... While screaming I might add. It was a good time though. It always a good time around with my family.

And now I sit here in a week long class waiting for the clock to hit 3. I have to sit here looking at the sun lighting the tree's leaves calling for activity from mankind, but I type away at a computer while learning new strategies in technology. To create a blog was today's assignment...

2008-06-28T16:14:00.002-04:00

On this day 5 years ago I married the woman of my dreams, and the best friend anyone could ever imagine. I thank God for lending me one of his angels to watch over me and spend my life with....

Father and son ... golf 101

2008-06-11T21:32:00.002-04:00

I've waited for the right time to take Luke golfing. Last week I started thinking about it more. When beautiful and I were out shopping I came across some real golf clubs for 2-5 year olds. I knew they had them but didn't want to push to hard. Well as summer vacation started I was left sitting at home while most everyone around was still at work. My buddies rarely get out to golf anymore, money, jobs, family, life... As I was getting twitchy about golfing and having no one to go with, me and the wife went to get him some clubs. The next day I took him down to the driving range to get him some swinging time. He did great!! As momma and I took a couple swings I would say he hit around 30 balls alone!

No I'm not trying to create the next Tiger Woods, although the money would be nice. I simply want someone to go golfing with. What better person to go with than my son? (I'd love to golf with momma, but she doesn't like it too much I guess) We have gone out to the range two times now and I can't wait to go again. He has a good time and wants to keep on hitting those balls.

I will probably start to actually take him on the courses next summer and just stick to the range this year. I can't wait though. Shoot, I can't wait to just go out with my son again...

Just give me a moment to catch my breath

2008-06-06T20:28:00.003-04:00

"Schools out for-the-summer!!!!"
As I handed out many hugs to my students, tears fell, smiles filled the halls, and an occasional "Bye Mr. Howard" was heard from down the hall. I completed the last of my end-of-the-year paperwork in an oven (95 degrees in the morning in my classroom alone!!!). Once I locked up the room and went to get the boy my mind started recalling how stressful this last year has been on my life. I probably aged 10 years, and it wasn't my students fault either!!!!
Where should I begin. I entered this year without a contract. I was to step in and fulfill a teacher's absence for the whole year. They told me it would lead to a contract, but in September I wasn't going to get my hopes up so early. They got a full time teacher at a sale!!!!! No sick days for me. If I was sick I wasn't paid. Going to Professional Development or after school activities, I wasn't paid. It was okay though because I had to pay my dues I guess. I worked very hard to help take care of my family. I was called in one day, but was sick many days. I'm not looking for pity, it's just one scoop of stress.
The next scoop was finding out that there was almost a fallout with one of my family members that I dearly love. This hurt the most. I can recall crying in-between my classes before my students came in only to hide behind a fake smile for them. My life is one of love, and to be hit in the face with one of my family members the way I was tore me apart. It led me to partial depression and ate away at me. It was a very frustrating and sad time in my life. My heart still hurts thinking about it.
The computer is the cause for another scoop. It felt like for a while that I was getting replaced by a computer for many months. I never really thought the computer would hurt me the way that it has, but it did and has. Myspace, chatting, e-mails, it just creates possible opportunities to hurt those you love. I've had people around me mis-use the computer, and they say "I never meant for this to happen." Why would you even want to create possible situations like these. The computer should NEVER come between family. I don't care what you say about it, it should NEVER!!!
My wife,Beautiful, working third shift isn't that great either. When I can't go to bed with my wife for five days at a time during all this crap doesn't help.
Seeing my best friend go through some love problems really saddened me. When he hurt I hurt, but there was nothing I could do but listen. To hear your buddy weep really doesn't make you feel good.
My college credit hit me hard in the wallet. After they took away 12 credits I spent two straight months Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday every week to make up a few. You can count on my summer being filled with classes too!!!
Another muddy scoop was when I was told my wife had pre-cancer cells. I don't care if it's pre- whatever, you say cancer I'm freakin out...
We got the house up for sale... Enough said.
Just a couple more stab wounds- Alcohol, dancing, late nights.. Never a good mix. Oh, and let me throw in there that my Uncle Larry died suddenly in the middle of all of this...
This year has been the roughest of my life, but it has made me stronger. I'm tired though. As the stress battled me day after day I was offered a contract at Michigan Center. This is MY school where I grew up. It was on my life goals list. To teach at the school that provided me my education. I have been working toward this goal since I was a Sophomore in High school when I decided to become a teacher. Check another one off the list. I didn't really celebrate when I reached this goal like I wanted ( no hugs, no balloons, nothing) but rather just sat alone and took a breath. I needed it. And that one breath that I took after I got that contract was full of everything I've mentioned here and more. It felt good, but it hurt too.
Life isn't easy, and I don't expect it to get easier. Boy can it really take you down quickly though. I'm just trying to be the best person and fill the high expectations I have and my family has for myself. I don't live for myself, but for them. It would be easier to just live for myself, but achieving these goals for them makes me want to keep going despite the bumps. I will now go back and look at the next goal on my list. And you can bet your bottom I'll reach it. I have my wife, and a little boy that depends on me. I'll keep striving as long as I have a breath in my body. BUT tonight I'm taking a break to catch my breath. It'll be a short break though....

Trippin Billies

2008-05-29T19:37:00.003-04:00

As we pulled up to the driveway finally reaching our destination of Kentucky, I noticed right away the stereo-typed culture of a hilly-billy yard. At least 6 cars were resting in the yard, 2 that were drivable. Entering the house looking at the ceiling with patches and tons of THINGS just piled up in corners and against walls. Yip, this is my heritage, true hill-billies...
I have no problem with their way of life, in fact I actually see resemblance of this to my Yankee home. I really enjoy being down here amongst family members I rarely get to see. To get out of "The Rat Race" is great. (Down home they refer to our living as a rat race...) It's quiet, everybody is friendly, and when people wave they use ALL of their fingers.
The only real problem i endured is smoking two packs of cigs before eggs are served. I second-hand smoked at least two cartons in two days with this group of travelers. It took some getting use to but once breakfast is done and over "dinner" is all ready on the stove. You won't go hungry that's for sure!
I participated in a King of the Hill moment where 5 guys get in a circle and talk Mopar (dodge cars, hemi's, six packs....) "Yup. uh huh... That's right. " It was a great time.

The ride home was NUTS! We missed our return birdge, SO WITHOUT a map we continued until we found the next bride......... 90 MILES!!!!!!!!! I wanted to turn around, Granny wanted to turn around, BUT the driver wanted to keep going. "This is fun", he says. It would have been to if we didn't all ready have a 9 hour trip home. After many sleeping butt moments, two packs of second hand smoke, we arrived in 13 hours. ALWAYS have a map. "Unforseen circumstances pop up quicker than a stiffy on prom night." Once we got out of the truck, four trippin billies went their separate ways. Granny is still trippin.

Southern by the grace of God.... Yee Haw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever and whatever... love you, bye

2008-05-19T16:13:00.003-04:00

As my lunchtime was almost over, I noticed that my phone was blinking. "Somebody loves me" I thought OR just a junk call not worth noting. Anyway I was relieved to see that the missed call was from my love. Seems she tried to reach me at 8:10 this morning. I left her sleeping so I was thinking that maybe somebody wanted to come and look at the house. I hit the button to listen to the call......... "Hey it's me. Um, the living room could be bigger, possibly hazardous or whatever. I was blrrr rrrrgh and whatever, so yeah its blrrrr aaagh flurrrr. I'll talk to you later." Curious why our living room is now considered hazardous, I listened to the message again. Wanting to call about the message I left the curiosity for after school.

After school I called LA to talk before my class. I asked her about the call and she didn't know what I was talking about. She checked her phone to see any incoming or outgoing calls had occurred. She didn't see any. Then she remembered having to e-mail me a couple strongly worded e-mails implying I took her phone to school so it screwed up her Dr. Office job. I had her listen to my message, which I'm glad I didn't erase. She loved it.... I was off the hook and now she knew why she found her phone in the bed with her.

I checked the e-mails and she did let me have it for taking her phone. She sent two of them and then blamed me for throwing the phone in the bed with her. I knew the blame would get out on me. Shoot I would have probably blamed her too in that situation. Luckily I kept the evidence. hahaha

My baby thinks about me in her sleep. hehehe I have proof. Well technically she was calling about the house, BUT she had to dial my number right? Too funny.

I love you beautiful...

A big THANK YOU for my life

2008-05-18T20:49:00.004-04:00

As we finished up the yearly routine of eating cake and opening gifts for the birthday, LeeAnn and I had plans to eat at the Mongolian Barbecue in Ann Arbor. I was excited and eagerly waiting that delicious plate! LeeAnn told me we were going to drop off her brother at a friend's house that lived there. I wanted to take my car, but LA insisted that we take hers. I just wanted to save a little gas. As we approached the exit I was handed a blind fold and then knew why we couldn't take my car. As I sat going through the turns I tried to map out where we were going. No such luck. I was led into a building where all of my wonderful friends screamed surprise. I was surprised too. I earlier guess we might be playing Whirly Ball, but not real seriously. Anyway we had a great time and I was so surprised LA went this far. I've never had a surprise party before!! (Two months of planning and secret e-mails.. this girl of mine is sneaky!!!!!)

I just wanted to thank everyone for coming. It shows that even with gas prices being what they are today that you could still spend 10.00 in gas to come out. I love you all. LA, my love, my rock, my life... I just thank you that you have spent another year by me. You truly are the best. (I'm glad you didn't tell me you were planning this because I would have never let you spend THAT MUCH on ME. My birthday gifts are covered for the next ten years. i love you)

Though I loved spending time with my friends (as we don't see each other much), the best gift of the day was when LA told me she took the night off. To steal one more evening with her really made my day.

Thank you all!!!!!

My name is Anthony, I will be 28. thank you

2008-05-15T19:55:00.002-04:00

As another birthday nears, I try and not place to big an emphasis on the actual number. As a matter of fact I really don't too excited anymore. It is but a day where I realize I am getting older, hopefully another year wiser. I don't care that I'M getting older, but really I think of everyone else around me more on my birthday. I see the faces that have surrounded me for many years and the smiles have always been there. What hasn't been there is the added wrinkles on their faces, the expanded waist line, a new difficulty of walking... You see if I'm getting older the people I love are too.

I cherish each birthday where family gathers to enjoy the afternoon one more time. As my birthdays will continue (hopefully), I will eventually see less faces as they will have spent their time here and will have passed on. So as I will get a year older this Saturday, the 17th, I will cherish those who will join me one more time. So please excuse me if I'm not spinning around like I was 10 years old. Just know in my heart I love the moment for the moment, not just because it's my birthday.

"The older I get the more things I have to leave back on the table" Rocky Balboa

here today.. enjoying this moment

2008-05-15T19:53:00.000-04:00

As I placed Luke in bed I watched his chest move up and down as he slipped away into dream-land. To look in his face and realize that he was created from a love so pure and sweet makes my heart count the many blessing I have. As the daily stresses build from work all is erased as I watch him sleep peacefully. Though my beautiful wife LeeAnn isn't here with me now, she IS I see lying here in the bed with him as he is a beautiful reflection of her. Isn't it funny how love can erase all worry and anguish that the day throws at you. If I were to pass tomorrow and talk to God about dying at such a young age, I could actually say I lived a full life filled with people I truly loved, and in part truly loved me....
As Luke shifts in the bed I lean over to kiss his forehead one more time and whisper, " daddy loves you" for I want him to know that everyday I love him and mommy more than life itself. My happiness is to see both of them smile, and if I can shine light and love through their day, then I know all the pains and joy that I've overcome was worth every second. I regret nothing, and its for them that I continue...

My GROIN is healing... Thanks for your concern

2008-05-05T17:18:00.006-04:00

Hey I'm feeling better today. A little lighter in the wallet (thanks college credit!!). Hey it's only money. I really don't like to dwell on money issues. Money is just money, you make it, you spend it. Heck , many of us spend money that we don't have (thanks credit card companies!!) I'm one for never settling. If something is out there that you have your eyes set on, don't settle. Now this might cause you to have to wait to save a few extra bucks. If you can't wait for this MUST HAVE thing then you really don't want it, or even need it.

I remember something the pastor told us when beautiful (my wife for those just joining us) and I were making the promise of the vows. He said, "In today's society people no longer say "Til death do us part", BUT "Til DEBT do us part." These words really stuck with me. I see many couples who fight and complain because of money. Now it can be frustrating at times if someone gets crazy about money, but little issues of debt and bills is just part of life. For those people to just move on and go to another relationship because they couldn't make the bills, or she/he spent a crazy weekend in CHICAGO (no my wife had cash set aside...) I just think too many people end things in the spur of the moment because of money. Let's get over it people.. I love you means I love you, I don't recall reading announcements in the paper about a woman and a wallet getting together (although the wallet could be an 80 year old man. Settle down ladies hahaha)

People put off things cause it costs too much money. Others go on trips, buy cars, yada yada yada cause they have too much money. Some envy the rich, others envy the poor (they appreciate EVERYTHING, shoot some even want to be middle classed (taxes aren't too bad). All I want to say is just live life. Don't get too crazy now. Just love the life you have, and the person that sacrificed all those selfish desires to be with you, NOT your money. Look my wife is married to a teacher. I'm not rich in the wallet, but I am rich with love for her.

By the way my groin is healing, thanks for your concern....

Because You Love me

2008-05-02T00:11:00.004-04:00

Dear God,
As I lay my head down tonight I come to you with more questions about life. They are many questions that you have heard before, yet every one seems to present itself as new once again. You are love and love divine, as this world has been created with love as a foundation I can't help but question the pains that come with breathing. For instance, why does jealously rid some souls. No doubt prior situations have played to this, and I can only seek a peace of mind with trust and complete honesty. I try to live my days doing the right things, avoiding hurtful situations to any if I can, yet I still do things wrong at times. Your gift of love has built the man you see before you today. I don't care about money, cars, or any other little pleasures that life presents. Everyday I want to give love to any I meet. I'm not going to lie though, some probably don't deserve love, but they need to receive it the most. Also Father I question mans' desire to give up. Everyday I speak to my kids (100 6th graders total) and I truly feel for those that can't spend the evening with BOTH parents. These kids need that love and support from both sides, why do they have to suffer for the parents' choices? At one time they loved each other so much they proclaimed their love before You. Why do we give up so easy?

I will be 28 on May 17, and I can say that I have been blessed truly by love. I know the pains will continue to come. I question why me, why me....? Why must all these things happen to me and those around me? And here we are still fighting life, still making the effort. Some have given up, but not me. And to this I question why? But I know why... It's because you love me.

Finish him...

2008-05-01T20:06:00.004-04:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you could just rewind and start it over? If I was contemplating suicide in any sorts, I would have probably done it at 8:06; let's just call it a day shall we. I woke up at 6:30 to begin my day. It started out wonderful, but then blah, blah, blah, school ended, off to class, blah, blah, blah find out my credits for my certificate doesn't count, blah, blah, blah come home at 7:15, look for a positive boost at home (my support, my comfort, my relaxation) instead find stones being thrown in my direction. Emotionally I am against the ropes at this point anyway, but now find that as I collapse to the floor and reach for the ropes I'm continually being kicked in the groin. "Stay down." If it wasn't for Mickey in my head saying "I didn't hear no bell" I would have just laid there to drown in my own blood. After the good lashing I received for being "an idiot", I cooked some burgers to feed my too-ugly-to-kiss face. THEN after giving my son a nice man to man talk about using the toilet he decided to crap his pants in front of me. As I clean him up and wash my hands I look to the sink to find a special ring just waiting to drop in the drain. I also view some other crap that makes my head spin. Jeez, how far are you going to go with this one God? I can just hear Jesus beside Him saying, "Finish him..." Okay that isn't what he would say, but dang it just finish me anyway. I wish it was like that Groundhog's day movie where he gets to live the day over.

Well I should probably go see if I can find anyone else who would like to kick me in the groin. It's 10 dollars a kick for friends and the ordinary man or gal. 5 dollar special right now for family!!!!! Hey I'm trying to pay for some college credit here...

CLASSES, CLASSES... I'm tired

2008-04-28T18:09:00.002-04:00

As the career of teaching allows me to enjoy the pleasures of summer rays without work, I realize that this time is really to get my mind back to normal. After the emotional roller coaster that the year can have on a teacher, I find myself in golf therapy during the summer. Unfortunately it hasn't started for me yet. I'm really going to golf my way back to sanity this year. The past two months has been dedicated to getting the infamous SB-CEU's to revalidate my certificate by next June. I'm trying to cram them in this year because the state has increased the fee per credit hour. Right now I'm getting 3 credits for $70. Starting in the summer it will go to $70 a credit. Now if your school won't pay for it, and you need 18 credits, this could cause stress in the wallet. I decided to take all I can now to ensure I'm getting my money for credit worth. It seems Michigan has implied this new teacher tax without actually calling it a tax. We all have to have these credits in some way or form. They are strict too. If you miss one minute they won't give your credits at all!!!! It hasn't happen to me but to some of the other teachers I've had these classes with.

So I will keep spending the next weeks (Mon, Tues, and Thurs) until 7:30 in class after a long day in my classroom. It has to be done though, it just makes me long for summer even more. I would like to call for a tee-time right now for June 8th...

Life's little pleasures

2008-04-20T22:12:00.002-04:00

Waking up in the morning to the sound of my little boy is an amazing sound, even if he is whining, screaming, or just simply playing. I love it. I love just watching him grow. I wonder what he will be like as time steals away the baby that I once held for hours and hours. As Luke continues his life I hold on to the sweet possibilities that I might be blessed with more some day. I've been blessed enough now that I have a very special person in LeeAnn who I see to be such a wonderful mother. She loves both Luke and I, as we are her Howard boys. The moments I sit and think how almost ten years has gone by with her by my side and I wonder if life could get any better. Still there are low times when I fear that something may take either of them away, or if i am hurt in some way too. I can't help to think about it, which is why I want to spend every moment of my life without taking the little pleasures in life for granted. I want to one day be sitting on the porch with LeeAnn, old and gray, reminiscing about what a beautiful life we had. It's been amazing to watch how LeeAnn has grown from this shy girl I was too scared to even ask out (Boyle, thanks again), to now the mother of my child who treats Luke so much. What a sweet gift I have been given. I always thought it was cheesy when I heard people say they would die for their mate in movies, but now I truly understand that you can feel that way about someone. I wouldn't even hesitate for either of them...

Sweet Sunshine is coming... I hope

2008-04-14T16:24:00.003-04:00

Driving past the lake each morning is a constant tease to the possible relaxation moments that await as rain and snow mixed continued to fall. Thinking of how nice it will be to lay in the grass or sand looking towards the wonderful people that enrich my life daily, my wife and my son. Watching the love that gets tossed around as the sun would warm their thoughts and skin at no bother to either of them. As the skin that blankets our bodies start to sizzle like eggs on a skillet, the water would cool us. Smiles would splatter as we look at each other and think, "Who would have thought life would be so great?" A family of love living for the moment, enjoying the sweet rays that light our lives. As I check the mirror I find a small grin in the mirror wishing for the spring summer rays. But as I look out to the left and see the birds shake their feathers at the windy air, I shiver myself and continue around the lake thinking warm thoughts.

READING!!!!

2008-04-06T20:59:00.003-04:00

I love to read, what can I say. Movie or book, I'll choose the movie most of the time. But then I fall into the category of one of those book people who will say it isn't like the book or the book is so much better. You know what, you'd be right too. There is so much more details that can be portrayed in a book. The details keep me coming back. Also character development is very strong in the books too. Anyway this spring break I wanted to read, which I haven't done in a few months. I started with Small Steps ( finished this book in one sitting), then the short Spiderwick book (only 56 pages), and then The Silent Boy. I read the younger leveled books because I can't understand the adults ones... Actually I read these books as research for books that I think my kids might enjoy in the classroom. Virtual fieldtrips that can lead us anywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I don't read just young reader books, although the Potter kid keeps begging me to pick the series back up again. I like practically any book that can hold my attention through the first couple chapters. I start books and don't ever finish them. Well I started this little marathon this week on Tuesday and finished up on Friday. I'm searching for the next book now. Any suggestions for me?

Little Man is sick

2008-04-06T00:06:00.003-04:00

My last couple nights have been lacking sleep as I wake to check on little man. He has been nursing a cold for a couple days. The coughing wakes him up throughout the night. Sometimes he wakes calling for Momma, but he has to settle for daddy. As momma works through this weekend bringing home the bread, I slip into the "house daddy" and tidy up the house and tend to the child. It's hard for me to lay listening to my boy wheezing through his sleep trying to find a clean breath to take. His head is on fire and I've tried cool baths, medicines, stripping him down, yet nothing seems to work. The doctor just gave us the "it's a viral cold" statement without any pills to cure it (we just love having a pill to cure us don't we). I get scared some times being by myself at night not knowing what could happen and I might not react the way I should. I feel comfort having my beautiful wife in the house as she is more knowledgeable medically than I. So as I lay my head down next to his I take comfort knowing that we've made it through the rough nights, just the two of us, before. I just wish that I could take the sickness for him so he wouldn't have to suffer...

Living with Regret

2008-03-23T22:24:00.002-04:00

We've all been hurt in some fashion. Whether it be by a friend, (a back-stabbing) a loved one (fireworks gone dry), or even by family (trusting blood, yet it turns to water). The choices that life presents is like a kid in a candy-store. Should I go for the sugar coated gummy or a chocolate thunder bar? Having choices is good, but to make the right choice is great!! I know many people who look back on their lives with regret. " I was young and bull-headed" "I wanted to have fun" "He wouldn't do this" "I wasn't ready at the time"... If you look closely you'll see a common trend, they all have I's in them. We are a selfish society. We don't take time to think about others and what effects what. It is a "my world" and "I'll do what I want" type of place. From material items to taking that last drink before stumbling back to the homestead. "I can control myself" Can you? Look at those who take their own life, completely selfish. Look at the family that is left behind wondering what happened, or the little girl searching for mommy or daddy. I've gone through the suicide thing with my family. Close relatives too. I'm not just rambling without experience...

Look at relationships. We all know marriages work sometimes. Who's fault is that? I don't get it. You made a PROMISE to love that person through GOOD TIMES AND BAD. What is your excuse? (some reasons are acceptable) You loved that person at one time where you wanted to spend you entire life with them. What happened? Love is tough work. We need to throw out many of those selfish desires. You hear all the time, "Yeah we probably could've worked that out but we were young." Guess what, it's been 15-20 years and you now realize what mistake you had made. It can't change now. That story book that you've always wanted now has been re-written because one chapter didn't have rainbows in it. Now you find yourself living in the rain ALL the time. Nice choice.

Regret on the heart is dangerous. You impact your children, friends, and have to face yourself every day. The impulse decision isn't the best way to live. Thinking isn't always practiced. If you need help go to Yahoo questions and answers, s-o-m-e-t-h-i-n-g. For those whose live on the computer this is the best way I guess.... Hey, I'm just trying to help.

To those that need that drink have one for me, cause I choose not to do so myself. I like to have my wits about me. I have a beautiful wife and son that needs my wits too. I make mistakes but I do think out my decisions in hopes that it is the right one. I hope you do too.

The Boogie Monster Anyone?? yea

2008-03-14T17:10:00.002-04:00

McDonald's seemed to be my son's choice for a healthy dinner tonight where it is just dad and son. Mom flew the coop and is scrap booking for the next 8 hours. Now I wouldn't have chosen Mickey's D's but Luke is sick and food in general wasn't a big priority for him. Right now I just want him to eat SOMETHING.

Awaiting my order the lady through the window makes a comment about my car, the mini draws comments for some reason. Then she turns her attention to the rear seat, which makes me feel awkward that she is looking around in my car. I mean what if I had a pair of boxers with racing stripes hanging about. (Never mind how the stripes got on there. I mean I'm using it as an example. Come on people, clean minds here please...) In my car is my business right? Well she sees the boy and says, " Aw he is so cute. I turn my focus to look and see his right finger going for the right hole in is nose. Correct technique and everything. Modest he is. I turn my attention back to the lady and reply, "Yeah he sure is." I wanted to brag about how my boy uses the correct technique to finger-picking (by using the index finger and thumb together you can trap the boogie on the inside of your nose and drag it down until it's clear. Shoot, I've even seen him flick it away too. That is when he's not giving it to me. I'm taking tips from him) She giggles and hands me my heat-attack in a bag. I Look back at Luke and shake my head. You are even cute when you are digging for boogies. Now if I knew where he got that from. Grandpa!!!!!!?????????

Anyone out there? Hellooooo?

2008-03-13T22:26:00.003-04:00

From the busy days to those noise filled days at home sometimes you just want a little piece and quiet. As I sit here alone without all the sounds I really would like them back. I don't hear my son playing or tormenting Rocky tonight. I don't hear the typing that usually fills the late nights that my beautiful wife produces, instead I am the one typing. I tried to get the dog wound up to have some scraping noises of him running away from me as I chase him screaming. I had to stop for fear that the neighbors would probably call the fuzz on me or just realize how crazy I actually am. I don't like this alone feeling. There's no chance that I might be hugged, smiled at, kissed, or simply told "no daddy, that's my basketball." I would try to hug and kiss Rocky but our windows are pretty big and open, and again fearing the perception from those around here I choose to give Rocky a night off. He gets enough from Luke anyway.

Why does boredom make time pause, yet when you are having a good-time time can't seem to slow down? Time is a funny thing. We all want more of it, but not all of us know how to use it properly. I don't myself at times. I could be doing dishes or laundry so my wife won't have to but I feel way too tired to start. Plus if you have seen the pics on LeeAnn's blog then you'll see the clothes won't be a 15min job. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just buy new ones and throw the dirty ones out. Maybe start a business about re-cycling or renting out clothes. Let them wash'em. "Here Bob, I would like to return these shirts that are starting to smell. That red one already smelled like poop when I took it home." "That's okay Aj, happens all the time. Here try this new Italian layered muscle sweater. I heard from a guy last week that he won the lotto three times when he had it on." Okay, maybe a stretch but some thing's got to give.

This weekend is already shot with plans. Don't you hate when you fill your weekend up stuffed before it's even here? I won't see my wife until Saturday. Luke is being bounced around the grandparents to allow LA and I to mingle with friends and each other. I say we should have a third day to the weekend where you can't make any plans. The only plan is to be with your family at your house. You don't have to dress (not commando, pj's are ideal... Especially with large windows). And no tv or COMPUTER either. Just relax in the company of your loved ones. (okay a movie would be acceptable, but you have to watch it together) When was the last time that you sat back and enjoyed what life you have? Oh and on this extra day you can't bring up any NEGATIVE things that life has been throwing at you. Life can be tough, get over it. If you always bring up the negative you are focusing on the wrong things in life. Too many times people dread on the little complaints of life. "He doesn't she doesn't, work is, the kids just won't..." Before you throw stones look at somethings you have done too. You want things to change start with your self first. Say something positive to make someone feel good.

Sorry to preach so much but sometimes we all get sick of the basement people who can't find a positive thing in their life. It's not what happens to you, but how you deal with or react to that something that will define it as positive or negative. I'm guilty of it too, but I know I feel a whole lot better talking about the good pleasures in life. Life is a weird, mystical, crazy, scary place at times, but what a ride!! Enjoy each breath.

WHOA!!!!!!

2008-03-12T19:59:00.002-04:00

I entered the dentist office for my routine check-up. I'm never in a hurry to get there but arrive in good spirits. I walk down the long hallway where the captain's chair awaits its captain. As I sit down I hear an argument from another room. The lady walks out without saying a word in a hurry. After a few moments have gone by I notice the argument has gone from low volume to a monster truck rally. Furniture was being overturned from the noises that bounced their way into my room. I got out of my chair and went down the hall. Their was a gentleman, although not being very gentle, wrestling with another male who appeared to be a dentist from his attire he supported. As I neared the two, the lady that walked me to my chair faced me from across the room with an irritated look on her face. The two men stopped as they changed their focus onto the lady scowling at me. She pulled from her jacket a knife. I seemed to be frozen and disturbed that my dental office was acting in this manner. I wanted to fill out a comment card but from the look on this lady's face I had no time. She walked closer to me and still I froze. As she neared to about 4 steps she lunged at me. I caught her in a twisting manner that I'm sure resembled the waltz to the onlookers. She was screaming at me but I couldn't make out the words. All I knew was that my side was beginning to ache. She didn't appear to be heavy... But once I seen the blood coating on her knife I knew what happened. Again and again I felt each jolt of pain into my side. Over and over and over and over again. Then I.....

I awoken with a yelp as the jolts were still finding my side. As I reached around with my hand I grabbed a small foot, sock less, but a foot none the less. Thanks for that adventure son. As I tried to fall back asleep I realized that I have a dental appointment coming at the end of this month. Yikes.

This moment is best....

2008-03-02T22:18:00.002-05:00

I am enjoying my life at the moment to the fullest. To be loved and to give love is truly what this life is all about. Anybody out there agree?

My little shadow

2008-02-28T19:59:00.002-05:00

As the moments continue to pass I am starting to see what kind of young man my boy will grow into. Of course this is a true reflection of how I act in front of him and what I present as a father to him. I watch what I say and try to do the right things. I love on mommy a lot and he now mirrors that action (sippin' on my kool-aid).

Now when it comes to sports I have to be very careful. I'm a very competitive person and sometimes I let it show on my face. I love the games and enjoy playing them. This is what I want Luke to learn as well. To love the games, don't treat them as anything more than that. What is done on the court or field stays on the field. When you take the aggressive side of sports and apply them to other situations you meet problems. Now I don't like to lose, not many people do, if anybody; but we must accept losing sometimes and not let it ruin our lives. You can use it as motivation to get better, but don't take it into other parts of life. I believe too many fathers and mothers let sports get carried away and then you have the fights in front of the child. What the heck does this teach your child?

Right now Luke and I are having so much fun with our games. I can't wait to take him golfing or throw the baseball around in the yard. It is going to be so much fun watching him grow into a man.

Bottom's Up

2008-02-23T18:48:00.002-05:00

So the new thing my son and I are playing is Hide-and- go- seek. Luke started this game at my grandma Howard's house during the day, but recently he started bringing this idea home. We hide from the linen closet, behind furniture, under small boxes, and on the other side of the bed. Usually Luke just goes and hides in the linen closet, but the other day he fooled me. I went around calling his name. Usually he starts laughing and I can tell where he his, but on that day he didn't make a sound. For about 1 minute I was actually really trying to find him. From the bathroom, to my bedroom, then to his; he was nowhere to be found. I looked behind the doors, around the couch, everywhere. It was then in his room that I was trying to think as a two year old, which actually for me wasn't that hard to do. I turned to his bed and spotted a patch of red within the blanket. As I ventured closer i realized he was mooning me from under the blanket. The surprising thing was that he didn't make a sound. He was getting good at this. Of course I grabbed the camera for proof to look back on the first time the boy actually "got me". I continued to call his name and he still didn't make a sound. He only made a slight movement under the blanket, but no sound.

After I removed the blanket and screamed, "I found you!" I realized he got me again. When I picked him up I felt a warm liquid across my hands. My shirt was a hint darker than before. He peed on me again!! As I screamed in horror like a seven year old girl I realized the damage was done on the bed and not directly on me.

Once we got him into clean dry clothes the chase was on again. The next spot he chose was behind his door. Not a sound was made until I found him. I guess I have to be careful now that he knows not to make any sounds. This could get interesting.

Time goes on

2008-02-20T20:20:00.003-05:00

I just got off a fantastic weekend with my family. Alone time with my beautiful wife, play time with the child, and we even mixed a little time for friends. Wednesdays are always dreaded though. On these days we must bid farewell to the past nights of family time. LeeAnn has worked third shifts now for well over a year consistently, but not having her there at night is never easy. It's just Luke and I. As much as I enjoy spending time with my son it's always better to have her here with us. To know she is in the other room is a comfort. I try and fill the void with time wasted on the Internet, movies, or working out. I have written some songs about the emptiness, but no one ever hears them but me. I love spending time as a complete family. The time apart does give me a reminder on how I can't live without her. And then I desire her even more, but I then have to wait until the next afternoon to see her. Sometimes I get a call to bring her some food at work (midnight runs when Luke's at grandmas) and I get excited for the few minutes she might sit in the car with me, or for one more kiss. Who would have thought anyone could love someone else this much. I am reminded of her when she is at work by Luke, who resembles her beauty. Luke fills my heart, but LeeAnn will always be the one to complete it. .................I love you honey. I hope your night is well...

On this day of LOVE...

2008-02-14T23:32:00.002-05:00

On this the official day of love I would like to wish all those who read a wonderful loving day. However, when this day ends don't wait another year to confess your love to that special someone. Our mates are treasures that need to be treated this way without a marked day on the calendar.

I love you beautiful. Everyday I am blessed to be in your presence is a day of love. You are my life. Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!!

Pee Buddy

2008-02-14T23:15:00.005-05:00

As the new adventures of potty training continue with Luke I find myself doing more cleaning than when I just changed his diaper. Yesterday we were standing at the toilet waiting, counting down, and waiting some more. I even turn the water on to get him in the flowing mood. He'll even tell me now to turn it on. Anyway this last time Luke says to me, "you go too daddy." At this point I actually had to go. So I stand next to the boy, after he sees that I'm ready to go he starts the hose. I could not believe how quick and powerful he lined the bathroom. Before I could put myself away Luke was all ready watering the floor, the back of the toilet, and across my leg. I think even he was surprised at his power. It was like a fire-engine water hose on full blast without anyone tending to the hose. Just let it loose. As the pee party continued he starts saying, "I'm peeing, I'm peeing." I on the other hand I was screaming, "I'm hit!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm hit!!" As the storm came to a close Luke celebrated, "I peed with daddy!!" I had to chime in with, "yeah, and you peed on daddy." After we washed his hands I sent him packing to enjoy his choice of candy. I had to hang back and mop the floor, clean the toilet, and change my pants. I was thinking, he doesn't have to learn to pee in the potty. I mean they make adult diapers, so he could make it through. Couldn't he?

I'm Stuck... On you

2008-02-10T19:09:00.000-05:00

This evening was very pleasant, stealing hugs and kisses from my wife,playing with the boy; All within the hour before LeeAnn heads to work. I went out to start her car, routine. She was getting ready in the bathroom, routine, and I got her some lunch from the freezer to take with her, also routine. The time was about 6:09 and LA's running late, which is becoming routine, hehehehe. Anyway, she was rushing around to get out the door when I told her to watch because my car was right behind hers. "Just go around it to the right." We had our farewell kiss, and the boy got his as well. I then began to proceed to the back of the house for something. I thought I heard a noise of a car door so I went to peek out. About 5 minutes had passed since LA left the house. I peeked out to see her car spinning the tires at probably 50 mph in an effort to break free from the snow that covered our yard. She was off to the right of my car but over in the yard where a monster truck would have had problems getting out. Apparently I didn't leave enough room to get around my car. I grabbed my slippers and headed out to try and get the car rocking and free. As I went to the door I seen the beautiful look in my wife's eye that I was her one and only prince coming to rescue her. I was all ready smiling and laughing, probably not the best look for the prince right now. As I came closer to the window I noticed that this look of admiration was actually a look of death. Not the stink eye, nor the crooked eye, but the evil eye.

I quickly tried to work my magic around the SUV. I didn't realize how heavy this thing was. Long story short my neighbor came over to help me save face and rock the vehicle loose. As I could tell she was frustrated already from being far behind routine schedule, I decided to wait until she got down the road to tell her that her front head light looked to be out. Oh Lord please don't let her get pulled over again...

For the Love of the Game

2008-02-06T21:24:00.000-05:00

As the days fade away we are all left with the realization that one day there will be something that we always loved to do and no longer the ability to do them. The older you get the more things you have to leave behind. As I'm not classified as old (though there are times when I can't move after playing a sport) I do think about when the day will come where I have to alter my very active life. It has become a little harder motivating myself to participate in extra activities with the hectic schedule that surrounds my wife and I. Now I would gladly participate if my love would accompany me. As a matter of fact, LeeAnn has been terrific about trying sports with me. She isn't the most athletic person in the world but she tries for me. From golf, to b-ball, bowling, and even tennis she will give each an opportunity for me. At the time I never really told her how much I appreciated this. It made me feel so loved when she would play these activities with me. (I love you beautiful!!)

Now as Luke as entered the equation I love having him around when I am playing. I often look over to LeeAnn and Lukas, if he is not running around, during my games. There could be a 100 people shouting my name and I wouldn't hear them during the game, but if LeeAnn or Luke says anything I can hear them clear as day. In fact the best part of the game is when I go over to my family and Luke will give me a hug or say "good job daddy." I look forward to that moment after the game when I walk out of the gym with LeeAnn by my side and Luke holding my hand or being carried out. They just mean so much to me.

When the day finally comes where I pass the torch off to Luke I will certainly miss playing. Right now I will keep playing "average ball" as long as I can. I have to be ready for the day Luke challenges me in the drive-way for the title. I don't know when that day will come, but when it does I'll be ready. *smile*

A Box from the Past

2008-02-01T23:48:00.000-05:00

As I was searching for a lost cd in my parents basement I came across a boot box. It was near some of my old stuff so I decided to take a peek. When I opened the box I knew exactly where it came from. It took me back about six years. It placed me at my Grandma Zczyiel's. Right in her living room. She was sick at the time and I was there keeping her company. I remember bringing over Rebecca (my first guitar) and showing it to her. Grandma was so excited. She couldn't wait to hear some music from me. At the time I couldn't do much with it but admire what future sounds that might come from it. She was there on the couch with some old newspaper clippings. She was telling me that she wanted me to have them. As I scanned through them I realized they were articles and small wordings about myself during my high school basketball days. She had kept them all. I told her thanks but left the box there to later come for it. I remember putting the box away and then going to sit on the couch with her. As my grandma sat there basically struggling for that next breath I began talking to her about my girlfriend LeeAnn. As I rambled on and on about my feelings for her I told her that I was going to ask her to marry me. Grandma was the first person I had told. She looked at me and said she was so happy. She continued saying how much she loved LeeAnn and what a nice girl she was. But it was among the next words that came out that stuck with me. "I'm sorry that I'm not going to be there to see you marry her." I down-played those words as any grandson would, but in my heart knew she was right.

Grandma became so sick she was put in a home with full care. I went to see her every weekend. She seemed to be doing well. I even smuggled in some McDonalds fries for her. After a while in there she was doing great, playing games, laughing... One night, out of the blue, after class I remember a knock on the door. Rob, my good buddy, and I were 1 hour away in Kalamazoo so visitors were not expected. I recall opening the door to see my mom. She didn't have to say a word. I looked in her eyes and I knew. As LeeAnn and my dad entered I was trying to play it off and just act some-what normal. I didn't cry, weep, or show anything really. We talked and eventually they all had to go home. I retreated back to my room and picked up that guitar and wrote my first song.
It took me about three days before I broke down about my grandma. I don't ever remember crying so hard. I should have spent more time with her, I could have been nicer at times, I could have I could have...

It's been nearly 6 years or so since we buried my grandma. I wish I could play the guitar for her now as I'm okay at it. I do remember the things she told me. The laughing moments, the frustration, and the "Oh Tony..." I loved her and I regret that she will never know how much.

As I leafed through the box all the emotions came back. There I was in my parent's basement alone, cold, and experiencing time travel. As I placed the other material things back in the box I kept out the newspaper clippings. She always told me that I should put these in a book one day for my kids. She always loved to come and watch me play basketball. I can still see her in the stands.

I put the box back where I had found it. One day I'll come back for it again. As I held the newspaper clippings in my hand I turned the light off. There in the dark as I walked up the steps I could feel that I wasn't alone.

One Day...

2008-01-30T23:37:00.001-05:00

On my way to work I was stopped by a school bus with its flashers on. As I sat there I notice a father with his two kids waiting for the door to open. The father had on sweat pants, boots, and a robe it appeared. He didn't seem to be cold, but the temperature on my gauge told me he had to of been. As the doors opened his kids turned and gave him a hug and kiss good-bye. The father stood back up and helped the kids get onto the bus and as the door closed walked the length of the bus until the his children sat down. He remained there waving until the bus drive off. As I began to take off I was engulfed with a strong sense of love as a father. I can't wait to do this with Luke and my future children. I would do it the same way I thought. I wouldn't care about how I was dressed, what shoes I had on or anything. I had so much respect for this man I didn't even know. It was just something I could see myself doing. I have a couple years yet for Luke to start school, and by no means do I want those years to rush by. I just will love it when I get that kiss and hug from him as I tell him to "have a good day. Treat your teacher with respect. I love you little man."

The different roads of life

2008-01-30T23:06:00.000-05:00

"We cannot change yesterday. We can only make the most of today, and look with hope towards tomorrow." -?

Have you ever sat thinking about different situations that have happened and wished you could change them? I often dwell on mistakes that I've made in the past. I mean they would probably seem very minor to most people, but a mistake is a mistake. I think too many people too often allow the past to consume their lives and drive them into depression. I do try and turn these mistakes into positives by learning from them. Now mind you it isn't always that easy. Even though hard times come and go it is the experiences that can one day help a loved one go through similar circumstances. At the time of the crisis/mistake, we don't want to stop and go, "you know I'm so glad that I left my car on in the garage and eventually blew up. This way I know to clean up the spilled gas from the lawn mower right when it happens." Ok, I know that seems like an impossible mistake, but I hope you get my point. One should not live in the past. What is gone is gone. It is up to each of us to make the most of the minute you are in. You don't have to forget the past, but don't let it take over. Use the past to help guide you and make you better.
We all want some kind of change in the world. Mostly it's selfish desires, some might say peace and love, less pollution, etc... You hear politicians speak about change and how they would make a difference. Truth is you can only change yourself. Now by changing yourself you could impact people around you and eventually see a change. This isn't your doing. Free will... One can only change unless they want to change. We all have a choice in this world. You are who you want to be essentially. Don't blame other people. Look at yourself and know you have a choice.
I have been looking at myself lately and the choices that I've made through this short life of mine so far. Some good, some not so good. All I can do is keep living, keep breathing, and keep giving as much love as I can to everyone. That is my choice. I will accept my faults, my mistakes, and I will remember them and learn from them. Then when God puts someone in my path who needs my help and my love from similar experiences, I'll know what to do. It's a tough road out there, but together we can make it a little further.

I understand now... Finally I understand

2008-01-24T23:34:00.000-05:00

"Love is, above all the gift of oneself." -Jean Anouilh

We all want it. The desire to be loved. Constant fireworks forever like the first days. The only thing that matters is being with each other. Then years down the line, work, kids, selfish individual pleasures, and not enough time to fit it all in. Love changes. "The love you start with will not be the same in five years. That love will not be the same in ten years, twenty, and so on." My father-in-law told me this in a letter when I asked his permission to marry his beautiful daughter five years ago. Now at the time I was just happy he said yes and gave his blessing. I'm so glad I kept that letter because it means so much more to me now practically five years later. The love we have has changed. It's no ones fault. Luke, our careers, and bills have stacked up against us to challenge that very love. But because of these things this "new" love will be stronger. I love LeeAnn more today than the first time I ever said those words to her practically ten years ago. But a lot of the focus today goes to Luke. Our love has altered slightly to meet his needs. It's okay and understandable. Change can be good. And I believe it is in this situation. Without the daily hardships of time and the stress that has been building I personally would have kept walking away from God than walking to him. I have since re-directed my life to walk in God's light which has helped me realize how much LeeAnn and Luke truly mean to me and what plan God has for me. To give myself completely as Jesus would.

It has taken me years to truly understand what he was saying in that letter. But I understand now. All of it. Having God apart of your marriage, communicating, and never giving up on each other. My father in law wrote these words to me as a guide, and until recently they were just words on a page. I really appreciate these words now more than ever. So even though it has taken me years to say it, thanks dad for the advice. Thank you soooooo much. I love you.

Laughter

2008-01-22T18:34:00.000-05:00

"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed." -Chamfort

I love to laugh. My friends, family, and even my students have experienced my laughter many many times. To some it may come off as evil, depending on the situation. Ask my buddy Mike. He knows. But its not that I think watching people fall on ice, or run into trees with golf carts causing small concussions (again ask Mike) are funny, its just, well... okay its funny. From tripping over obstacles (love you honey), to Luke doing handstands from leaning over the couch (he didn't get hurt), to practically peeing myself during a teacher training conference at a joke that only I caught... I just love to laugh. Now before people judge me by laughing when someone falls or gets a good groin shot, I do, for the most part see if they are not bleeding, crying, or hurt without recognition (I also laugh when I get into crazy situations too). I think it all started for me when my buddy and I took the sled back in grade school and enjoyed wiping kids out as they were coming up the hill. Man I just can't stop. If I get going I'll cry. I'm a man, but I'll cry.

Now as much as I love to laugh myself I enjoy seeing other people around me laugh. To hear my wife's genuine laughter is beautiful to my ears. Her face lights up and the eyes well up. I love any moment this occurs. To get Luke to laugh is easy but new every time he does it. We were in Meijer grocery shopping the other day and we were playing faces while I was pushing the cart. I was acting a fool for him but he just kept laughing and laughing so I kept going myself. What I failed to realize at the time was all the people staring at us in the store. LeeAnn told me in the car, but it wasn't as though they thought I was crazy or a fool. She said they just smiled and pointed us out. I guess I didn't realize it at the time but it didn't matter. Luke was having a good time with his dad. I'd gladly play the fool for LeeAnn or Luke so as long as they have a smile on their face. Seek the joys in life and share a smile with someone. Its such a great feeling and very refreshing. Excuse me now as I think it's time for my son's 7:00 laughter dose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words to live by

2008-01-20T23:19:00.000-05:00

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - gandhi

To spread love and peace through the world is a task that everyone thinks about. It all starts with one, that reflection you see in the mirror. But we know that it is difficult and hard to take on the constant battles that life presents. I wanted to share a couple words that others have said to help me, and now maybe some of you, to get through those tough moments.

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!" - Rocky Balboa

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself." -Jean Anouilh

"No one can change you and you can't really change anyone else. You must admit your need, stop denying your problem, and accept responsibility for changing" -?

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; That word is love. -Sophocles

Knowing it could all end in a second

2008-01-20T23:03:00.000-05:00

As my beautiful wife, Luke, and I were leaving the house Saturday we were stirred by the horrible sound of a screeching car followed by a huge blast. Knowing instantly that there had been an accident in the area we hurried into the car to see if we could help. At first I didn't know where to go, but when we came to the end of our street you could see it plain as day on the next intersection. Someone had blown the side street stop sign and collided practically head first into an oncoming car. We pulled off and we went to see if there was anyone hurt. My attention turned to the car that was impacted because I noticed there were two children. After seeing if the driver was okay I went to the other side and came to the grandmother who was rocking the smallest child, maybe 5-7 years of age. I was scared as to what I was about to see, but thankfully the child was only shocked and scared with no major injuries that I could see. But as the children stood there I could only feel for the parents that were about ton receive a frightening call about an accident.

When the parents arrived the father was in an angry state of placing blame to anyone who was around. First a finger at another couple there to help, and then towards LeeAnn. As the firefighters broken up a possible rampage I just remember the father screaming for the sake of his kids. I was quickly reminded of Scripture; "be quick to listen, slow to react, and slow to get angry" for in this case nothing really mattered except that everyone was fine. There were not any major injuries luckily.

I don't know how I would have reacted if that were me and my family. If anything were to happen to LeeAnn or Lukas I don't know how I would be able to continue my days. They are everything to me. Just knowing that this could happen in a matter of seconds really makes you want to make sure those loved ones are completely filled with love every second they are here. I certainly don't want to wait until they are gone to really appreciate what they are in my life. Love those while they are here, don't wait until they are gone to love them.

Don't be so Negative

2008-01-17T23:35:00.000-05:00

Why does everyone always pick out the negatives in life? Yeah we all make mistakes an will continue to do so. But you know what? If you would just focus life on the positives you might smile a little more. Some people only talk to you because of a mistake. "You know Conrad, that dropped ball in last weeks game only shows that you need to spend a little more time after practice instead of doing interviews." Okay coach, but you did realize that I had 11 catches for 242 yards too right?" It's just what humans do. Look at the media. The news is mostly just bad news. Magazines sell because of the dirt they can collect on celebs. I see it all the time as a teacher. Kids go through misery when all you do is bicker about how they screw around all the time and don't hand in work. Yeah these should probably be pointed out, but why not throw in a couple positives moments to let the kids know you're paying attention. Baseball is a great example of showing people that it is all right not to be perfect. In the Major Leagues all you have to do is hit a baseball 3 out of ten times and you are a star. If you would just hit it one more time at 40%, you become a legend. That isn't the case in the real world. If you mess up you'll get pink slipped. We all know what you can do with your pink slip... Yeah... recycle it. Anyway, try and lighten up. Show people what they are worth and help them instead of expressing "you stink" when they failed once out of 60 times. Negatives, negatives, negatives. Look in the mirror and ask yourself how many times you've been perfect. And please keep your negative comments to a minimum on this post. Lord knows I have probably spelled something wrong. But I do know I have a lot of words spelled right too. Hopefully more than half.

I love you

2008-01-17T23:03:00.000-05:00

To my friends- Thank you for calling or e-mailing and leaving me positive messages. This has helped me know that I am worth something. The jokes have always been great, but a serious question of how I am doing really solidifies why I choose to keep you all around. *smile*

To my family members- Knowing that I am always loved no matter what keeps me afloat when times are rough. As I look to you all for positive support I know I will never leave without knowing that I am loved.

To my son- My little buddy. When daddy is down you always still want me to play with trains and Superman. Thanks for still making me feel important. I mean who would put your train track back together 3 times a night after you take it apart. You are so precious.

To my wife- You are my best friend, my love, and each breath I take. God has OVER blessed me with your presence. My world has been better with you in it. Thank you for being you.

It's Not JUST Money

2008-01-17T22:39:00.000-05:00

I was at the post office the other day talking to a relative on the sidewalk when a man approached us. He was cold as you could tell from the blue tainted skin and the difficulty at which he was speaking while his shaken hand held a picture of a family obviously missed. He needed to buy a bus ticket to get to some family out of state. As he continued to work through his story of how he hasn't a job or any transportation I noticed my relative begin to look at their watch and then bid me farewell. As they left I noticed a glance that questioned why I was still standing there. I did so as I have done many times in the past. Something in my heart tells me to be patient and listen. I knew the inevitable question for money was coming.
"Could you please spare a little change? Please sir, if you have anything to spare I would be appreciative." I didn't even hesitate to reach in my pocket. As I handed over a few dollar bills I was offered another hand shake and the usually "God bless you sir." I took it with a smile and wished him luck and went off back to my life as before. When I got in my car I noticed a few people just walk on by without a glance this mans way. Now I know they are many people that believe "You just bought them some booze." This may be so. However I would like to believe that their story was the truth and the embarrassment look in their eyes was genuine. I don't mind the money. I just choose to believe that they will do the right thing. I may just be stupid who knows. But I'll keep on doing it. I feel God would want me to help. After I hand it over it's up to them to do what's right. If no one ever gave anything they would never have the opportunity to make the choice to be right. It just made me think about how truly blessed I am with my beautiful wife and son. Those couple bills meant very little to me, but to that man it could have meant a step closer to the right path. Lets hope so.

Out from the Gallows

2008-01-17T22:11:00.000-05:00

First of all to those who care I am feeling better. The uncomfortable feeling in my chest have weakened. I have been trying to rest the last couple of days and being around my wife and son have really helped me. It's amazing how far a single kiss from the one you love can affect you even when you are at the bottom of the barrel. When all seems lost it only takes a single touch to fill the void that might have been there. To see my son laughing and smiling when I get home fills me as well. It is a good feeling when you know you are loved. And as I go through life's stress and it builds and eats at me I will strive to be strong for my family. The stress is all my fault anyway. I have created it and allow it to control me. Then I begin to feel worse when I see how it affects those around me. I just try so hard to do the right things that if I make one mistake I feel like all those positives are erased and I'm there tainted by that mistake. I just need to get the motto of "expect the worse and hope for the best" out of my mind. I just want to continue to show those I care for that I love them and if it all ends tomorrow they won't question my feelings towards them. This life can get real hard sometimes. I welcome the challenges but know I can't do this alone. I just don't want to take it on alone. I know my family cares for me and will always be there through thick and thin. I'll be fine, I always come through to face another day. And I will continue to do so as long as my heart holds up. I'm young, loved, and obligated by responsibility to keep going. I wouldn't change anything about this life as what troubles may present themselves I will become a better person because of them. God has a plan for me and I must fully trust what that is. I will continue to be the person He wants me to be and if you come across my path I will show you love. Take it and receive it with blessings. All I ask of you is to pay it forward. You never know who really needs it.

One of those days

2008-01-14T16:46:00.001-05:00

"Societies perception of things can blind the many truths that lie beneath." -aj

I have this funny feeling in my chest. It doesn't hurt, but yet it feels as though my heart is growing tired and weak. I don't feel well today. No I'm not sick or even have the common cold. I'm not well emotionally I think. The last couple days I have woken up with a headache, nothing like my migraines but I feel them. It doesn't stop me but I know its there. I move on. I woke up today again with a headache but my chest also let me know that I wasn't well. But I continued my day and went to work. I hid my agony through the smiles and conversations I enjoy with my kids. I had a good day at work, but in the down times I hurt. I can't fully explain it but it's there. I know it is stress. It seems as though I am close to stressed out. On the outside you may see a smile, but on the inside I feel like I'm crying. I don't even want to play basketball tonight and that's surprising. I really don't want to go but those there count on me showing up. I don't feel well. I really haven't had anything to eat today because I just don't want to eat. I really would like a hug to be honest but I see no one around. My family is sleeping and the others have there own lives to deal with. I don't want pity or a hug because I have asked for it, but I want one because someone would like to give me one.

My grandma gave me stress pills today but if you've read my early blogs then you know I'm not taking these. I am trying to give it to God but right now I hear nothing. Its so quiet right now. I don't hear my son's laughter, I can't interact with my wife. Usually in times like this I would play my guitar, but that doesn't seem like something I want to do. I don't want to do anything that usually I would want to do. I don't feel well. But I guess it doesn't matter the way that I feel because I am going to go to this basketball game and make other people happy. I can wait. I don't feel well, but I can wait. I can wait.

It's a bird, a plane, no... it's SUPERMAN

2008-01-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

About four years ago for CHRISTmas one of my 3rd grade students gave me a cartoon video of Superman because he knew I had liked the super hero. That dvd had not been opened until last week when I thought that maybe my son would enjoy watching it. To be honest the cartoons were from the 50's and not the greatest illustrations, but that didn't matter. Luke sat there and watched everyone. Then wanted to watch them again afterwards. Well tonight while I was doing some chores around the house I went up into our storage to put away more CHRISTmas things and remembered I had a few Superman toy figures that I basically never opened. I thought Luke would like these since he was now watching Superman. I was right. He instantly started re-enacting some of the scenes while we put those old cartoons in. "This is a job for Superman" he would repeat the tv. He did allow me to play as well. I got to use the bigger one in the picture. We played and we played. Then I remembered after talking with my beautiful wife, who was at work, that we bought him Superman pj's. I went and found them and we were up to our noses in Superman things. When the night grew late we brought Superman in to sleep with us and keep us safe. Luke had to share his milk with Superman, participated with the prayers, and even receive a good night kiss as well. Hey if it makes Luke happy I'll do it. I really had fun tonight. I can't wait to do it again. I wish LeeAnn would have been there to play Lois Lane and join in, but I'm sure we'll have another Superman night. I did get some of it on video so she'll view it later. What a cute kid. Maybe even next time I'll get my Halloween costume out and we'll really play this thing out. Am I going to far? I don't think so. it reminds me of the commercial where it shows different little babies laughing and finally at the end they show the dads acting crazy. It's our jobs to do this. We can't always be macho. Where is the fun in that? I don't mind acting the fool if it brings a smile to my sons face. Wait until there are more children. I could get real crazy when playing in front of a big audience. I really can't wait. To be continued...

Clothes, clothes, clothes

2008-01-11T23:59:00.000-05:00

Looking around the house I notice there are many things that are just basically taking up space. Why do we all need all these material items. I mean do I really need another coat, or another decorative statue to look at. Recently I have been trying to unload some of these things on eBay. From autographed items, shoes, jackets, and even engine parts from the garage. If I can sell it and open up some space I'm game. But it seems whatever we get rid of we buy three things to replace it and the cycle continues.

Clothes is a completely different story. They just keep piling up. If you were to go through my drawer you would have trouble opening it because there are clothes packed tight. Its bad when you have all those clothes and when you are planning a special evening out and about you think, "I have nothing to wear." I do have those moments when choosing a tie for work. honestly I have around 60 ties. (LeeAnn worked Kohls for 8 years and hooked me up way cheap). I owe my style basically to her as well. If you like the outfit I have on don't tell me, tell her because she was behind the whole thing.

LeeAnn and I just donated over an estimated $300 worth of our clothes to VOA. I believe it was 3 1/2 garbage bags. Don't worry we still have plenty in the house left. But the process of seeing what to donate was crazy. Shirts I've had since high school (surprisingly that I could still fit into them) and ones we haven't worn in quite some time. Yet it was still hard to let some of that stuff go. Why is it so hard? Yes many of those shirts and pants were broken in and very comfortable, but when there are hidden holes and stains in various areas why did I hesitate to give them up or throw them out. I just don't get it. I always joke with LeeAnn about I only need 2 pairs of jeans, 1 good sweatshirt, and 3 t-shirts to get me by. In college I would wear the same jeans every day until they started to get that slight musty smell, which honestly could take a week or longer. Once the smell would settle in I would change them of course. My good ol' Western sweatshirt could last for days too. Good times. Wait a minute... Looking back now this could explain why LeeAnn moved back to Jackson instead of staying in Kalamazoo with me. Darn, all this time and I thought she was just home-sick or something. Sorry honey, lesson learned. *smile* Wow, that's the reason for all the clothes I have. I've been in training haven't I? Boy is my face red.

Friends

2008-01-10T22:40:00.000-05:00

The friends I have around me are very very important in my life. Of course we all can categorize our friends in some way. You have the comedian, flirt, obsessive, cheap, serious, dull, scary-weird, the one who we always make fun of, among many other categories I'm sure you could entertain. But no matter what category you place them in you would do anything for them. I have been very lucky to have had a good core of friends around me since elementary school. They have become people that I rely on in many different situations and would go out of my way to help them as I would my own brother. I care so deeply about these people that I would give up my own dreams in life if I knew it would grant them one of theirs. I love them. I can't help to think about as we get older how our relationships will change. We all pretty much have families or have moved away and our link has weakened. We still have moments today where it has been just as it was, but those are moments now. Great memories. I love to reminisce about the days we played basketball in my backyard to trips out to the beach, even Disney World was a place some of us have shared. There have been arguments, tears, joy, pleasures, and worries. Through it all we still stand here today as close or even closer than we once were. People have said that the friends that your real friends who will be a part of your life forever you'll meet in college and those from high school will fade. My situation happens to be different. I'm blessed that God has surrounded me with wonderful people that have resided from my high-school days. I don't really classify anyone as my best friend because they are all special in many different ways. ( My wife happens to be my BEST friend if you really want to get technical. My individual friends have helped to shape the man I am today, but it is my wife who has completed me. Sorry guys... *smile*) I pray every night for each one. For them to succeed, to live happy, and to be healthy.
Even though it is great to stay close with each friend, it does open a possibility to be hurt be many more people. I have already went through being hurt by a close friend and they are in prison for that mistake. Even though this friend made a couple wrong choices it really burned me because I felt like the fool for thinking I knew them. I felt guilty for not really knowing them enough to help. It has been hard to forgive him and myself for not helping. I waited over 6 months before even going to visit because it took time to get over the situation. I'm still not completely over it, but I forgave this friend in my heart. That is what friends do. And I will not throw stones because I too have made mistakes. I hope when I make mistakes my friends will forgive me like I would for them. I'm sure they would.
As life continues, together, my friends will also continue. Though seeing each others face might happen less, in my heart we will always be the bunch that would hang out every day after school. People search a whole lifetime to find new friends like they once had in school, I'm lucky to still be connected with mine. You all know who you are. I love you all...

Just call me the TOOL MAN! Ho Ho Hoo Hoooo Ho...

2008-01-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

Well we have started to make some updates to the house. Over my two weeks off from school I made it a priority to work down my lovely wife's list of what she would like to see change in the house. I wish I would have done this sooner but I wasn't confident with my ability to do manual work. I probably would best compare to Tim the Tool Man Taylor when it comes to home repair, but I do make an effort if that counts. I made some new shelves for the pantry area, and though they are not completely level, they will hold a bottle of laundry detergent. Then came the kitchen floor, this I called in my dad, which is more efficient with a hammer and saw. He was my Al. Only a couple mis cuts, but the floor is walkable. I felt good about the kitchen so we decided to tackle the living room. This was a big event. It was just my wife and I. Picture working along side your partner for 8 hours and having sharp and heavy objects in your hands. Arguments wouldn't have lasted long. I'm happy to say that we made a great team and didn't argue at all. And people say they aren't miracles anymore. J/K We both had a vision and worked very hard to see it come out. After seeing the final result I felt I could fix anything. Ho ho ho ho ho... The washer has been leaking you see. It is just a little drip. Nothing a little duct tape couldn't stop. I changed the seals in the hose, tightened her up and turned on the water. Nothing. No leak, not a drip. DONE...... I should probably mention though that the next day my wife left me a message at work expressing her grief when water had exploded from the hose and left the kitchen looking like a new hot tub resort. Hey, we had always talked about getting a hot tub in here anyway,so what is the problem? Well I will leave the washer alone for now, but there are a couple other things I think I can manage. I can fix anything!!!!!!

Anyone know a good home improvement guy?

Holy FREEZE POP Batman!!!!

2008-01-04T16:05:00.000-05:00

3:10 a.m - During my usual nights of waking up and being restless I usually just close my eyes and drift back off. However last night was different. LeeAnn was working the last of her 8 out of 9 work-night stretch and I broke my streak of having Luke sleep in his on room and let him reside in daddy's bed. I don't give in too often but thank God I did last night. When I awoke at the early hour of three I sensed something wrong. I listened for the humming sound of the furnace but it was not there. I crawled out of bed and instantly noticed that it was FREEZING COLD!!! I headed into the living-room to see the temperature had dropped to 64 in a matter of 3 hours ( I went to bed at 12). I then headed into the furnace room to hear nothing. I tried the breaker, reset the whole system, and nothing. I phone LeeAnn to see what I should do or have the people come out so we don't freeze to death. (Once the furnace stopped in the night and we woke up to 50 degrees) I then called my dad because I knew he gets up around 3 to get ready for work. He told me to check the fuse and repeat the process again. I did so and tried it once again. I waited a couple minutes and finally it turned on. I was relieved. It was about 4 when i got back to bed. I thanked God for waking me up. Luke was still warm beneath the covers where I had left him. I'm so glad I gave in to let him sleep with me. God was really looking out for us last night.

No Time

2008-01-03T20:12:00.000-05:00

I need to lay down. I'm not talking about getting sleep either. I mean just laying on the floor, bed, couch, or anything that will hold me so I can just stop everything for a moment. And on top of this I would really like my wife there with me. The last two weeks have been filled with running around town for the holidays, shopping, returning what we shopped for, cleaning house, folding clothes, making chocolate milk, shoveling the drive way by hand, making food, mixing more chocolate milk, putting a new floor in the kitchen, putting the folded clothes away, and then making a 4th and 5th glass of chocolate milk. Now I know these duties are all part of growing up, and I am not trying to complain. Honestly I'm not complaining. I mean I do these things and enjoy doing them so LeeAnn doesn't have to when she works, which has been 8 out of the last 9 nights. It makes me feel good when LeeAnn wakes up and sees that I took care of things when she was sleeping. She needs to rest and I don't want her having to worry about other stuff that I can do. I would just like possibly 15 minutes where I can be with my wife and not have an appointment somewhere in a matter of hours or minutes. Then after that 15 minutes Luke can join us, Rocky too. Anyone every seek some time to be with your significant other when the focus is just on the other person? I long for those moments when its just us two. The focus these last two weeks has been surrounded by the holidays, which means splitting family time, CHRISTmas parties, New Year's plans, friends, football games, and a lot of activities that that focus on others. I love the holidays and the sense of family and giving. I just think that this break has been stressful because of all the variables that have come up. I'm hoping that after tomorrow things will just slow down and we can enjoy every minute God has blessed us with. I'm sorry, I think I'm just tired. I'm thinking very selfishly and that isn't good for the heart. I just want to lay down.

The New Year

2008-01-01T20:33:00.001-05:00

I'm sure over the past couple hours people have been explaining their resolutions. Of course we all want some things changed in our lives, and making a list is or mental note is a popular way to keep track. I do have a few things that I would like to be accountable of this year. Here is goes;
* Express my feelings more verbally to those around me- This is easy to do yet not done enough
* Drink less Mt. Dew- this isn't easy for me, I'm doing better but I go through withdraws
* Eat more vegetables- My wife is helping me try new things, plus I'd like to stay around on Earth a while longer
* Treat my wife like the treasure she is EVERYDAY- She will probably become sick of me always loving on her, but she deserves it... The love I mean, not the annoyance
* Record some of my songs on cd- This is so I will have them in case I every forget them
* Help others learn about the relationship with Jesus
* Not think so selfishly

Although now that I have actually blogged these I hope this list doesn't become a list of "what I didn't do" when I look back next year. I could just scrap these things and settle for one word on my resolution list... LOVE. I'll do my best, but I will need help.

The Circle of Life

2007-12-27T20:57:00.001-05:00

It took 27 years before I finally understood that you will once live your childhood again through your kids. Things you would have liked to do, things that you had done. For me the day came on CHRISTmas when my son opened his first General Lee car. To Luke, it is his daddy's car. (I am currently restoring a 69 Charger into a General Lee which you can check out that adventure by clicking on the Rusty Lee restoration link here on my page) Wherever we go and we hear that Dixie horn, or see an orange car Luke will say, "There's daddy's car." It's very cute. Anyway once we were done with the gifts exchange, Luke had a chance to play. He went between his new train table and "daddy's car". As he began creating the engine noise and jumping over boxes in the way and finishing with, "Yee Haw!!!!!" I was reminded about how I loved my General Lee cars growing up. As I sat there watching him with a smile I wondered if this is what my mother and father felt as I played like Luke was. I can't wait to do more things with Luke. And as Luke and I move forward I ponder what the next child will be like, whenever there is a next child (didn't want anyone thinking we were expecting). Luke is so great and beautiful like my wife (after-all everyone says he looks like her, which is a real benefit since she is gorgeous!!!!) This was a great moment for me as a father looking at my son and reminding me of how life goes by way too fast. It seems that just yesterday I was making those car noises and jumping over obstacles. Well if you ask my wife it actually was yesterday when I was doing that, but you get the point.

Author's Chair

2007-12-26T17:41:00.000-05:00

I love to write. It is something that helps me vent, seek out adventures, and display a variety of words that serve to paint a picture of a moment that has captivated me or others around me. One genre of writing that really gives me pleasure is poetry. I would like to share one of my poems that I have written with you. Now I am not a professional writer or seek that career, so please be nice when reviewing. I do what I can. Enjoy...

LIFE'S PURPOSE

Morning frost chills the air
Crystals blanket the window as warmth lay twisted beneath layers of cloth
The sun breaks through its night of darkness to reveal creation beginning a new day
Life presenting new paths, new opportunities, and turning the mistakes of yesterday into future memories filled with happiness
The chance of rain for the day does not stop the journey that awaits
Screams of stress, fear, anger, and sadness fill the mind of possible failure
Hesitation tricks the mind to take on the world
Why is life so hard? Why do we do this?
Years may seem to go by searching for the right reasons
Opening my eyes I find my reason to go on...
you

-anthony howard

I'm still a boy... she's still a girl

2007-12-21T00:15:00.000-05:00

Remember those days of less stress, less bills, and not to mention less baggage around the belly? In those days we would not pass up an opportunity to play in the snow. Who cares if it was cold!? Those were the days, right? well lets fast forward now to the present time. Snow is best when it is off the roads, off our cars, and left on the ground to look at but not submerge in. LeeAnn and I thought it would fun to go sledding. Though we both really don't care to be cold, we would rely on each other to create warmth on the hills. After the 20 minutes of gathering clothes to layer we set off to Cascades Falls here in Jackson. The sledding on these hills are legendary around here. I had never been to tell the truth so I was really excited. Upon arrival we noticed that there were many other lads out there enjoying the snow too. We were not the oldest ones out there, but after climbing he hill the first time we felt like it. Our ride/sled was a circle cyclone, green with handles around the edges. I would be the driver in the back while she had front seats to explain/yell when to turn or stop. As soon as we started down that hill steering the sled an after thought. Our thoughts going down that first hill was just to stay alive. The wind was really screaming as we headed down. (Later I realized that there really wasn't any wind but just my wife and I exercising our vocal chords.) We ended up going again and again for about an hour. There was nothing better than holding my wife in my arms feeling like a school boy again. (Although in school when I was sledding my buddy and I aimed for the kids climbing the hill so we could knock them down.) The excitement and sharing it with her was amazing. When we were done we went over to fresh snow and made snow angels. She didn't really have to make one in the snow for being an angel already but she did anyhow. Aside from loosing my keys for a couple minutes in the snow when I plopped down for my angel, the night was truly memorable. I love the snow. I love watching it fall against the night sky. And when you put my beautiful wife in the equation, I was feeling very very romantic and overflowing with love. The laughter that we shared during the night was very refreshing. There was nowhere in the world that I would have rather of been than with her. Cold, wet, and tired we continued over and over. Next time we will bring Lukas along. Maybe not on these hills, but someone had to test the water first. What a great night filled with love...

Can't Sleep

2007-12-19T01:41:00.000-05:00

Here I am, almost 2:00 am and I'm typing on the computer. The reason for this late night type is that I don't want this day to end. My beautiful wife has just fallen asleep, I laid there trying to let the night take me away and it's not happening. Why do I not want this night to end you ask? Well tomorrow is another work night, along with Thursday for my wife. Another night to get through. I will be honest, I struggle many times to get through the night. I haven't slept a clean night straight through in some time. It's just that my mind keeps me up. I'm an oversensitive baby I guess. I have always been a real sensitive guy. I look at it as a negative because I go through nights like tonight where I can't relax. After a nice and pleasant date night with LeeAnn I made a comment about the Internet that I shouldn't have. I apologized a couple times but I still felt bad because I know she loves reading and commenting on people's blogs. I'm a hypocrite because I'm on here right now writing a blog!! Why do I let things get to me so much? Why are these small things stacked up in my brain? Who cares that she loves the Internet?! I guess I do because I'm here "wasting time" about it. I really need to keep my mouth closed and enjoy the time I do get to spend with her. I just always want to be around her and receive her attention without interruption. I mean why should tonight bother me when we do get five days together after Thursday's night. Whining and complaining is something that drives me crazy. Now look, I'm doing exactly that. I'm such a baby. I apologize for wasting your time.

Will the real Mr. Howard please stand up

2007-12-14T21:13:00.000-05:00

As I entered my school today ready to educate my students I was greeted by a parent who said, "You're not dressed up today." A little background for you, I'm a teacher and I wear ties 90% of the time, except for Fridays. Anyway after this comment and playing it off by saying, "I ran out of ties", which is a fib because I probably have around 60 ties. (THANKS BEAUTIFUL!!) I continued up to my classroom when another comment about the way I was dressed was received. I began to become curious as to why it mattered that I was dressed down on this day. To cut a long story short I found out right before class had started. You see I have to help one of my students daily getting up the stairs because he is in a wheelchair. As I was walking back downstairs there was a group of people, some students and a couple adults that were just waiting for me. When I approached my student I noticed he was wearing a tie with a blue shirt. (They too mentioned the way I was dressed) I said that he looked nice today. As the day went on a couple teachers in the school went out of their way to tell me that this student has been telling people that he wanted to be just like me. He knew I like wearing blue a lot, and had a tie that looked pretty similar to one of mine. I guess his grandmother that takes care of him went out and shopped for an outfit that would represent me. It warmed my heart that he looks up to me, but for some reason I don't know why he does. I'm nothing special. I mean honestly I really stay on this kid to push him and he has said that I annoy him because I always make him use his walker. I am just trying to get him to become stronger to get out of that chair. So for him to say that he wants to be like me blew me away and was a surprise. He actually never said that he was trying to be me, but after school his grandmother confirmed what the teachers came and told me. I just thought it was ironic that someone actually wanted to be like me, when sometimes I wish I were someone else...

It's just hard sometimes

2007-12-12T23:39:00.000-05:00

I was looking through some old photographs of LeeAnn and mine and the last 9 years we have shared together tonight. I've found myself doing this lately when she is away at work, Lukas is sleeping, and I have nothing but time to pass. As I look each one over and reminisce about that moment I have realized how beautiful life has been. The one constant thing that I've had in my life is family, friends, and LeeAnn. All I ever really need. But even as beautiful as some of these moments are I start to ponder the fact that as time continues to change I am changing. A couple more gray hairs, a few more wrinkles, a couple more lost hairs, and some extra baggage around the belly. I'm not a huge person in many eyes but I feel unhealthy and question my physical appearance. I know there are many many more attractive people out there in the world than myself, and the only real person that I really want to impress is LeeAnn. After 9 years I still try everyday to impress her. I fail sometimes, I succeed other times. There isn't anything greater to me then when she tells me that I look nice, or even better when she surprises me with a hug. It's at these times that I feel good about myself. Knowing that I feel good by these things has increased my awareness that other people might feel just like I do. What is it that they need to feel good? Are we doing enough to show them? What does it hurt to tell someone they are pretty, or they smell good even? My problem isn't that I don't think these things, but I don't say them enough. Then I have to think about not saying the wrong thing, or saying or doing too much to smother. I just want to be a good husband, a good friend, a good father, and a good person. It's hard sometimes. I hold high expectations for myself that if I fail at one of these things I really beat myself up. As I go to stand in front of the mirror I will look into the face of my biggest critic and ask, "How can I be a better me?" There are many things that will surface and I will continue to sort these out. But how about you? Do you feel good about who you are and what you are doing for those people around you? Think about how they might feel. Are we giving enough? The confidence and appearance of a person can be much more positive depending on how you treat them. I've said that love is the greatest gift you can give someone. Give it. Don't assume those around know you love them. Sometimes it might be just a touching of the hand and a smile. Do it. We all want to be loved in some way. Find that special way to love that person and keep doing it. Life will all seem worth while, just keep doing it. I know that if I keep showing and expressing my love for my wife she will still be in love with the person that I am and was 9 years ago. I don't want to be that teenager again, but I do want to try and win my wife over and over again like I did 9 years ago as a teenager.

Dropping the Boys Off at the Pool

2007-12-11T16:52:00.000-05:00

For about 25 years (diaper days are excluded) I've been able to escape the troubles and chaos of the day by entering the office, my library, and sometimes referred to as my Fortress of Solitude. Yes I'm talking about the bathroom. For years and years I've kept this part of my life without interruption. I walk through that door and do my thang in peace. All of that ended the day my son learned how to turn the knob. Situation; I'm sitting on my throne like a king, stretched out, taking in the beautiful view of my bathtub when I hear a jiggle jiggle of the door knob. I became nervous, red faced, and silent hoping the intruder would pass. Sweat began to line my forehead as I was about to meet the person who would have the audacity to interrupt my time. As the door knob continued to jiggle I wondered if my wife was just playing with me (she knows me too well). It wasn't until Luke walked through the door and stood before me with that look of curiosity that I was somewhat calmed. There I was with my son looking at me with a face that beamed, "Daddy, I just opened the door really easy." I was thinking, "I've got to get that lock fixed." Luke had this nostalgic look on his face and then grinned to me, "What you doing Daddy?" I looked at him like a king to one of his servants knowing that I should tell him exactly what was going on. This was one of life's moments he would learn from. "Son, I'm dropping the boys off at the pool." He looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes and turned to leave. Before he left he turned again to face me. "I coming." "No son, you can't come this time..."

Meet Ziggy

2007-12-10T16:36:00.001-05:00

Music, what a wonderful release between words and emotions. Being the type of person that can't always seem to find the right things to say at a moments notice, if you give me a couple minutes I could generate my feelings into a song. I don't care too much about material treasures, but if I had to choose one that I couldn't live without it would be Ziggy, aka my acoustic guitar. It is a tool to release my stress, love, and faith. Ziggy has helped me through the good times and the bad, deaths and births, and just common thoughts escaping my mouth. I am a self taught musician, (guitar for dummies was my resource teacher). I picked it up just at the end of high school hoping to impress my lady. All I could rattle off was a couple easy riffs where I didn't have to move my fingers too far. It wasn't until I started listening to Dave Matthews that I was fully inspired to play funky chords and write beautiful lyrics. After just playing covers I became bored so I started to write my own stuff.
Ziggy is named after my Grandma Zczygiel for the reason that she was the main focus of my first written song. It felt so good to release my feelings that I just kept writing. I write on napkins, envelopes, even sticky notes if I have one. I have currently written around 30-35 songs which are written down along with the chord progression that accompanies it. Love songs, funky songs, mad, sad, happy... you get the picture. I usually play new songs right away for people to get their feelings, but I have a couple that no one has ever heard. One day I'll play these, but for now they are my own. I still do some covers, DMB, Jack Johnson, Johnny Cash, John Lennon, etc, but nothing feels better than playing my own stuff. The problem is is that I don't get to play these songs that give me pleasure for people. I've done a few things in public, but I would like to start playing around my city. I have found that I love performing live in front of folks. I'm also scared because I don't want to look like an idiot. Maybe my voice really sucks or I'm not good enough to hold people's attention. Anyway I'll keep writing and playing for the audience that keeps coming back to listen, my son. Unless anyone out there would like to start playing music with me. Hello?

Just the Three of Us

2007-12-05T21:58:00.001-05:00

I am in complete awe of my family. I recently found a junior high school workbook about my future goals and admirations. Within this book were questions about my priorities and what things meant the most to me at the current time and in the future. As I continued to scan this book the most consistent answer was taking care of my wife and kids when I grew up. The date in this book would put me at the young age of 14. I don't know why I would be concerned about a wife and some children at this age, but it brought a smile to my face knowing that I still feel that way 13 years later. Even more so now that I understand what it takes to take care of them. I did fail at becoming a professional athlete, but I think I have done much better than that now. I'm still in love with my wife since the days of admiring her in the hallways of our school. Although back then love to a school boy was more about lust and physical attractiveness and simply having the chance to court a hot chick. She without a doubt would get my head to spin and still does. Being shy through school with the ladies never put me in the forefront. The NO CHANCE signal would fill my head when she was around. Shoot, I would have never even told her how I felt and she wouldn't have known if my best bud Steve didn't do it for me behind my back *smile*. A couple dates, 6 months of boot camp without her, and endless romantic moments have filled the last 9 years. And even with the ups and downs that life can bring, my motivation to keep the fight going is waking up with her next to me. Here we are today with a strong foundation of love and a beautiful son is the result. One can always look back and wonder if they achieved the things they had wanted to, or gone down the right path in life to ensure happiness. All I can say is that my world has been great with her in it, and now with my son in it. Like I said, I'm in awe of my family.

Bundles of Love

2007-12-02T18:33:00.000-05:00

I made an errand for my beautiful wife yesterday to Dollar General and was waiting in line behind a family of 4; a wife, two daughters, and a husband. The tone of the mother as she spoke to her small children was out of disgust or annoyance. The children were pointing out little things to their parents for CHRISTmas ideas and obviously the parents were not interested in what they had to say. This made me start wondering about how the children are treated at home and elsewhere if they can do this in front of 15 people standing in line. There are many children out there with parents that really don't realize the beauty of childhood, and all the questions that accompany this age. Children are so innocent. I don't care if they are step children, adopted, or even neighborhood kids that seem to find trouble. They are only as good as there parents or whomever raised them. They learn this from observing their loved ones. Don't blame tv or radio for everything. If you think about it who lets them watch the tv or play that vulgar cd? We do.
Now I'm not saying LeeAnn or I are perfect, or anybody else I know. We make mistakes and will continue to do so I'm sure. All I'm saying is love your children. Give them attention. I'm very tired when I get home from work. There is a lot to be done around the house that I must do as well, but I will get down and play with my son for a few minutes at least. LeeAnn will get on the floor and play with him and teach him new things. ( He can count to ten and knows many colors!!) LeeAnn is an amazing mother. She loves him so much and it makes me feel good just to sit back and watch them interact.
Time has gone by so fast. I remember telling my wife that I wanted him to be a little older because we have things we are going to do. But now I wish he was still very young so I could just hold him and rock him. I took the baby stages for granted. I can't wait to have more children. I thought I only wanted two total, but after watching Lukas I don't have a set number anymore. They are so precious and beautiful. I want to be a good father to all my children (when I do have more kids). I want them, along with my wife, to know that I love them so very much everyday. That I would do anything for them in this life that I can. With the ups and downs of life, it is very important that the people you have around you know how much they mean to you. Who wouldn't want to have a great big family filled with love? I mean they are simply little bundles of love.

1 hour of Tranquillity

2007-12-01T16:18:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday and usually these days where LeeAnn is sleeping off last evenings work-night are strictly restoration time (restoring a 1969 Dodge Charger, I had decided to think of someone else other than my own desires on this day. Previously in the day I had gone down to talk to my Grandma Howard, who is still recovering from putting her second or three children in the ground within the last 5 years. I mention that because obviously it has been real hard for her to continue life in her usual stride. It has been hard for all of my Howard family. The Howard's curse is to suppress feelings when things go wrong. I do it myself often. I didn't even tell many of my friends that I had now lost my uncle. But this isn't about me and my feelings, I worry about my grandma and like to just go see how she is. I noticed on this day that she was just, I don't know, blah; and she wasn't really talking to me like we do, so I knew something was wrong. I went back up to the car and finished pulling the back window out and told my dad that I was done for the day. He was kind of shocked because we only spent an hour on the car (7-8 hrs was minimum while the wife is sleeping). I went in and got cleaned up, Luke was now sleeping which gave me the opportunity to go back down to my grandma's. I told her that I had a couple new guitar tunes I'd like to play for her. She was always somebody that I could play for and have their complete attention. I know it is biased attention, but it makes me feel good and she enjoys it. I never mentioned anything about my uncle, I knew that she would open up like she always has with me given some time. I got through about three songs when she did say she was feeling blah today. We talked and I continued because she wanted me to. I played for an hour straight for her. I knew if I kept playing I could take her away from life's troubles for a short while and make her feel good. I can't take the troubled feelings away, but whatever I can do for her to keep living life and keep getting up in them morning, I'll do it. Wouldn't you for a loved one?

Family of Love

2007-11-29T20:09:00.000-05:00

Family... It seems that we try and fill up our lives with an abundance of selfish desires when what really matters is the people that have stood by our side through thick and thin, good times and bad. We take our families for granted all the time. You running short on your bills this month, who is their to lend you some bread? I have been blessed to have a great surrounding family. And I'm not just talking about my own flesh and blood, but my extended family (in-laws). These are people that I truly love and I don't even take a second sometimes to let them know. LeeAnn and I have family here that doesn't have a lot of money, but they will and have opened their pockets for her and I in troubled times. We don't ask for such things, but they are willing to take a hit in their pocket to see their children stay above water. And even now with our son our family again extends a hand for LeeAnn and I without complaint, and without regret. They have done so much for us. Whether it is over at my moms or over at LeeAnn's moms, the love that is exchanged for that child is amazing. I'm continuing to make consistent effort to let them know that I do appreciate them, and I do love them for what they have done and will keep doing. My son is over at my other moms tonight (mother-in-law) and she does a great job with Lukas. She never turns down an opportunity to spend time with Lukas. I appreciate her and love her for what she has done for Luke, me and LeeAnn, but I don't tell her enough. It is something that I am working on emotionally and getting it out to her verbally. It's the same with my own mom. She will take Lukas and read books with him among other great things. I don't let her know that I love her for what she has done either. My father, my father-in-laws(all of them) are really good to me and my wife and son. I'm sad that I never really had an opportunity to have close relationship with my grandfathers (RIP) and I pray that Lukas will. The truth is I take these people for granted everyday but they keep giving love. When trouble arises, they keep giving love. My family is very special to me, and I am striving to let them know. 1 Peter 4:8-9 states, " Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." Love is everything. I love all of LeeAnn's and my family. I just need to show it more.

Good Times, Great Times, Times Of Love...

2007-11-28T21:22:00.001-05:00

Last night my beautiful wife and I went out on a date. On this night we left little man with Grandma Howard. We do so much as a family that LeeAnn and I are not left with some quality time of our own during the week. So we made this a night for us. First I took her to LoneStar Steakhouse. I know it isn't a knockout restaurant but we make do with what we have in Jackson. To me I didn't care where we went as long as I had her with me so I could enjoy her beautiful presence. After the dinner we went bowling. Her and I had been apart of a bowling league practically since we were together (9 1/2 yrs). Since we had Lukas we have not been on a league. Just one of the many sacrifices that comes with parenting and work scheduling. So on this night we chose the old past time of ours to continue our night of love. The big question that you might be thinking is, "Did I let her win?" Well I thought about it, and after the sixth strike I threw in a row it was brought up with a smile. On the second game I tried to keep it close, but don't get my wrong she is a great bowler and can keep up with me on many occasions. Needless to say that our arms were getting tired so I didn't really have to let her stay close, she was anyway. We had fun and that was the point. But the real moment of love came later that night when I was having some sort of coughing attack and experiencing the chills at 4:30 am. She got me a glass of water and did everything she could to warm me up. She is a pretty sound sleeper and loves to sleep so I don't even know how she woke up. I didn't ask anything of her but she took care of me and her actions were amazing at this time of the night. She is a wonderful mother, wife, and a truly loving person. God has blessed me with one of his own personal angels. It is so uplifting to her her voice tell me that she loves me. The big big world that we live in, she chose me. What a nice feeling.

Pills Popping America or Just Stubborn?

2007-11-28T21:01:00.000-05:00

I don't know about the rest of you but I wait until the very last possible moment before I pop a medicine pill of any sorts. Don't know why I don't just take something, but in the end if you leave a pill out for me to take you better actually watch me put it in my mouth and swallow. Check under my tongue, the sides of my mouth, and stay by my side for at least 10 minutes so you know I can't regurgitate that bad boy right back out. Maybe it is because I see it all the time where people are taking these pills for just about everything. " So Mr. Howard, you say that on your left foot about 3/4 of the way up your big toe you have a slight droopiness when you walk. Your toe could be stressed out from carrying the a lot of weight on that foot. We see this all the time. Don't worry, we have a pill for that big guy. It will probably run you $90 a pill, and if you start taking it you will probably rely on the pill much much more and will have to take this the rest of your life to be completely happy...." Okay, this sarcasm might be a bit much, but cats are now taking depression pills. Yes they should get them too because if they don't have them then they will urinate on your precious material items 17% more. I also understand that research shows that there are brain chemicals that can be corrected with such pills. All I am saying is that America gets too comfortable with taking pills.
With that said I have been ill for about three weeks now. Have I taken anything, well does Night Time medicine count? I know I took this at least 2 days out of the 3 weeks. Anyway I am off to the doctors tomorrow to get my pills so I can be rid of this. I guess I am just stubborn. Maybe they have a pill for that.

Do What I Say and Not What I Do

2007-11-27T17:48:00.000-05:00

I had a student of mine yesterday give me a nice comment after a question response activity I had done with them. You see we are reading a book about how a child and father are coping with a mother that has left in order to find herself. And this book has many opportunities for myself to really reach down and get these kids to open up to me so I can understand them better. So anyway I had them begin their journal entry questions and I told them to write honest answers about themselves because no one will read these but them, not even I. My objective was to get them to really think about themselves and what they have already overcome in their lives or what goals they possess. To make a long story short after we were done and we were reflecting on what they had written I went off on a heart to heart talk with them. At the end of my little thing the student said, "Mr. Howard, we have been talking and believe that you should go around to different schools and talk to kids all around to make them feel good about themselves. Like one of those motivational speaker people." I just smiled and we continued our day. That child will never really know how that made me feel that I do right by motivating them and letting them be themselves and feel good about it. I love my job and how it allows me to help children believe in themselves. I could learn a few things from them. I preach this stuff to them and yet I don't believe in myself at times. This was a great moment for me and my confidence. It is little things like this that keep me afloat with all the stress that comes along with the job and my life.

Numbered Days...

2007-11-25T13:34:00.000-05:00

Joy has overwhelmed my Sunday so far. The morning was welcomed with the silent pleasures that a man can relish with his beautiful love. As she lay sleeping I ran my fingers through her hair. Feelings of love trickled from my hands through each strand of hair that flows from her head. A sense of peace and tranquility as I admired her special features. Time seemed to stop. And though I knew she was mildly aware that I lay there treasuring each second, I continued for I knew that these moments are too few and far from the norm. I received nothing in return physically, or even expected a return gesture. The simple presence of peace with her as she lay stretching for the pillow. If only these moments could last a lifetime. Those seconds that floated by this morning left me with the question, " If I leave this Earth tomorrow, will she know just how much I truly love her? Not just when she is sleeping, but when she is right in front of me.
We all have numbered days on this Earth. None of us know when time will end. Church service today reminded me that many people don't truly live until their time is almost up or is in the closing moments. What if we could live each day like it was our last? I mean could we really do that? We have to work, pay the bills, follow the daily routines that surround us. Yes responsibility has its dark moments, but it can also be positive too. I am moving my wife, son, family, and friends back to the top of my responsibility list. I am not living to work, to get that new car, or whatever material needs that society has out there any more. I am striving to cherish each moment I have on this Earth. To love, and essentially be loved back. There is no greater feeling than having someone tell you that they love you. It might not be with words, maybe it is when they smile at you. Maybe its when you go and take the trash out without being asked. I have been lacking in this area. I got comfortable, like we all do in life. I'm 27 and I have made certain things a priority that shouldn't have been there. I have had a bunch of lights go off in my life lately. And I am choosing to make the necessary changes to rectify some situations. When was the last time that you really said "I Love You" to somebody? Not ending a phone call or the routine of saying it when you leave somewhere, but actually looked that person in the eye and said... I Love You. Love is the best thing you can give and receive, and it is quite possibly the easiest thing to do. I'm seeing that now more than ever. Life might be good, but it could be great. Just something to think about.

Stress leads me to vent on the one place I don't care for... The Internet

2007-11-24T14:58:00.000-05:00

Well I've never blogged before but I need to do something.. I've seen my wife do this and I've always been one to get everything out in writing, so I'll try it. Where should I start. Do I go back when I was a teenager, start from college, or just begin with this year? I have frequently looked at myself as a sincere hopeless romantic. The hopeless part is I share these feelings with my own heart and fill it completely yet only some of what I am feeling gets to the surface in spoken word. I have a great fear of rejection is the problem. I also have a low self-esteem. If I keep putting the pieces out there you would probably think that I was depressed and belonged behind bars. You see I don't drink, can't dance, take things for granted and then beat myself up over it. Some might call me boring since I'm not a rebel. I do have a wonderful wife that has stuck with me for nearly 10 years. She has helped me feel good about myself. She knows my flaws and still she comes back home. Together we have a small child, Lukas, and he takes a lot of our time now. I love him so much, but I look back on those times when all the attention was just on my wife and myself. The love was so strong and nothing in the world mattered except for her and I, together. I do not regret Lukas and infact can't wait to have another precious child. But I can't help to reflect on moments when life held fewer responsibilities. I don't get the attention that I use to, and have since realized that I no longer rest at the top of the priority list in some eyes. Am I being selfish? Yes. Will it change, probably not. All I know that is the love that is deep within our hearts will forever exists. And it is there, but we have to bring it out of the basement. It's big, deep, and forever long, but I can't lift it myself. I feel very very low. Am I alone here... I'm sorry to ramble and write such things. Maybe I am depressed. I fill the void with sports and nonsense. All I know is that I hate the internet and here I am using it to vent my troubles. I guess I just need a pick me up. I will continue to seek God's help. I will NEVER give up.